Deep Throat Danger Exposed!

Some in the media were quick to jump on the recent Johns Hopkins study linking oral HPV (human papillomavirus) to an increased risk of developing throat cancer. Big news for givers and receivers of fellatilingus, whose throats would be better off funneling bathtub gin and cigarette smoke.

Internet celebrity and author of the Savage Love column, Dan Savage, was one to quickly point out the study's seeming importance. But that week's article has been pulled. Supposedly, that's because Mr. Savage blundered on his HPV vaccine facts, but as always X Sama brings you the real scoop. Someone or something strong-armed Savage into removing the piece, keeping the story from the majority of his sexually liberated audience.

Sensing some profane relation to the virus, I sent my last surviving ninja to investigate the most likely culprits. Deep in the Skull & Bones tomb lies a curs-ed text said to predict the rebirth of George Bush Senior. Alas, my worst fears were confirmed when Mabo returned with a page from the devilish scripture. The critical passage reads, "...and he shall rise ag'in not from woman and her womb, but from a tracheal swelling of malignant consequence... the unholy egg shall be fertilized by agent hidden within carnal nectar... and the Dark Lord shall burst from the gullet of his host on the sixth moon of the fifth cycle..."

We know what this means. On the moment of the ex-President's death, his soul will search for a ripe HPV-induced throat tumor from which to rebirth itself in flesh and renew it's dominion over hell and earth. We have only one hope: that at that precise moment there will be no host, no ripe throat cancer. We can drive his soul back to the underworld if only we can defeat oral HPV infections.

Women, get your Gardasil shots. Men, stop giving oral sex. You now have an excuse.