X Sama

More Communist than China

2008-09-10T00:00:00.002+09:00

Mr. Jim Rogers gives CNBC Europe the lowdown on the American economy... and wouldn't you know it, he's right. For once, a financial article with some toothiness (& truthiness).

But while Jimbo is right to give up hope on Obama or McCain's financial solutions, I was surprised not to see a nod to Sen. Paul whose influence could lead to a sensible policy debate on the right. I'll assume that Rogers didn't want his valued name associated with a man often denigrated as a kook.

Do read the original article, as you're not likely to see much news of this caliber.

Helen Keller would shit in her pants

2008-04-25T22:49:00.003+09:00

You read the headline correctly. This public health would have made the original American idol furious enough to protest by releasing her next most convenient BM into a pair of her own pants, just so she could have something more pleasant to occupy her mind.

Here's the story (1 in 5 parents refuse daughters' cervical cancer jab):

British folk who declined their daughter's HPV vaccine were worried about A) lack of long-term data, B) promiscuity - being immune to a virus that infects 80% of all people means you will have sex with those 80% of mankind, and C) "religious reasons."

The author, Sarah Boseley, looks then at a different angle: "Uptake ... lower in schools with a high proportion of girls from ethnic minority groups and those entitled to free school meals."

So society has officially succeeded in getting the poor and the non-white to dig their own graves with respect to their own health and - less obviously - personal finances. Here we have a free government-sponsored program and only the rich and white are taking it up in numbers. Will cervical cancer become stigmatized as the lower class woman's disease?

It's a well documented, though less well known fact that Helen Keller embraced several unpopular political causes. One was radical socialism, and it was because of classist health problems like her own blindness that she had the courage to look squarely at the issue.

Contempt for the middle class

2008-04-22T05:49:00.002+09:00

Required reading:
The princess's cake gets an added crunch - Wolfgang Münchau (Financial Times)
Response: Contempt for the poor - Free Exchange (the Economist)

Position:
It's amazing how much life certain economic models get from their political expedience. The popular fiction of the Phillips curve often serves to remind us that attempts to question systemic inflation will not be tolerated. As is only human nature, public reasoning rarely precedes private decision making.

The median annual income in the United States is less than 40,000 USD. The median family has next to zero equity. Yet Wolfgang Münchau has hit on something in his statement on inflation ("Higher inflation is the transfer of wealth from the poor to the middle classes.") - the winners in the middle and upper classes are in the minority, far above median levels of income and wealth. Of inflation's effect on the relative poor the Fed may not be ignorant, but in choosing to benefit a small but well-connected minority they most certainly are insensitive.

Bloomberg:

2008-04-21T01:44:00.001+09:00

Fox reporter fishes for sound bites... not biting

2008-04-19T03:42:00.001+09:00

Blog=Trash?

2008-04-19T00:27:00.004+09:00

It seems these days that every mainstream media outlet (including the good guys) is blogging away. While you might expect this to bring respect to the - dare I type it - blogosphere, you'd be wrong. Seems like traditional journalists are pumping out blog posts because the informality of it can save editor time (i.e. good excuse to hire fewer editors). These inane posts are still shackled by corporate censorship and that is not why the world got interested in blogs to begin with.

In light of the global focus on food this year, I'm posting my response to a vapid entry on the Guardian's food blog:

I'm continually shocked by our need to excuse the habits of conscientious eaters. Yes wartime rationing did affect eating habits, I'll admit. But avoiding waste without being forced to is a virtue.

The 'appeal' of drinking water used to cook veggies is that you are not throwing away delicious micronutrients. With your improved diet, you might even be able to cut back on fortified starches and meat. Sipping broth is a moral decision, a health decision, a personal finance decision, and perhaps a sign of sophisticated taste buds.

Readers who dare introspect momentarily on their eating habits should give the Guardian's George Monbiot's recent column a read.

My 'quirk', developed over many years in low income countries, is filling my bowl with traditional dishes and finishing every last bite. I'm also a gravy mopper - give me bread and a dirty dish and I'll show you a healthy snack.
Don't call me quirky. Call me smart.

So how badly have individual blogs been hurt by the mainstream? Sound off in the comment, why not.

The global food crunch: murder by exclusion

2008-04-15T22:25:00.003+09:00

George Mondbiot writes on the Guardian:

The World Bank points out that "the grain required to fill the tank of a sports utility vehicle with ethanol ... could feed one person for a year".

...

I would like to encourage people to start eating tilapia instead of meat. This is a freshwater fish that can be raised entirely on vegetable matter and has the best conversion efficiency - about 1.6kg of feed for 1kg of meat - of any farmed animal.

read more

X Sama is moving!

2008-04-15T04:13:00.003+09:00

I've finally had it with all of this template editing. X Sama is moving to blogspot so Blogger can take care of the web coding stuff, and I can focus on bringing you the nut-busting truth. Update your bookmarks to http://xsama.blogspot.com

This ain't your granddaddy's credit crunch, or is it?

2008-04-15T03:56:00.002+09:00

One can imagine that undemocratic tinkering with the lifeblood of free capitalism requires a careful smokescreen: enter bank runs and public panic.
It's interesting to note that in 1933, the United States and the world entered an era of persistent inflation. So, the effect of creating the FDIC to restore 'confidence' was to give the financial class the means to tilt the scales in their favor. It wasn't until the 1960s that this effect surpassed productivity gains and the average working stiff started to see a drop in income - far to late for the public to connect the effect with the 1913 and 1933 causes.

The origins of cyborg Reagan

2008-04-15T03:11:00.003+09:00

Listen to the last authenticated radio broadcast from human Ronald Reagan before he was replaced:

http://cgi.fark.com/cgi/fark/youtube.pl?IDLink=3536877

No title required

2008-04-11T22:54:00.001+09:00

Country Music Stars Challenge Al-Qaeda With Patriotic New Song â��Bomb New Yorkâ��

The deals behind secret prisons

2008-04-09T22:32:00.004+09:00

BBC's Dispatches did an in-depth report on the no-longer-secret 'rendition' operations conducted by the CIA around the world. Acting in cooperation with allied authorities around the world, the agency has conspired to kidnap individuals and 'render' them to prison facilities where they can be tortured, detained, and murdered outside the public eye. In some cases, entire communities are moved and detained in prison camps, but they appear to be the exception.

Let's start back when the story was first unraveling. Agents were found to have taken many people accused of terrorism on international flights, without any legal authority. Who needs a judge when you have the air traffic controllers? My point in raising this issue is not to dredge up the results of previous investigations. We know the kidnappings were illegal, and like Guantanamo - nobody cares.

The critical conclusion which the public is too afraid to face is that terrorism has effectively replaced religion as the world's most unquestionable truth. Putting aside Noam Chomsky's observation about who the historical purveyors of state-sponsored terrorism are... yes even putting that aside we still must conclude that CIA rendition ops represent a new breed of terror exports.

Factor 1: the US intelligence/military machine has surplus capacity. We can't simply unleash its full power on the world because US interests do not demand it.

Factor 2: Western authorities have little to offer in political negotiations besides their quiet cooperation.

Factor 3: oppressive foreign governments lack the sophistication to safely extend their power into civilized corners of the world where rule of law exists.

Jordan, Egypt, Saudi Arabia (not to mention our African allies) do not have the public credibility to kidnap people under the name of counter-terrorism. They cannot intimidate their political opponents across international borders. In simple political economy terms, there is a deal to be made here between authorities. Imagine CIA agents debarking a private jet with their prisoner like tuxedo-clad deliverymen:
"Sign here please... and here. Enjoy your secret prisoner, and thank you for terrorizing with us. The president will be calling with our bill."

I'm tempted to leave you on that humorous note, but my conscience bids me sign off with a warning: the truth may not be palatable, but it's also not optional.*

*If you are a parent or teacher, you have a responsibility to nurture the questioning (and questing) of children. When you deny the truth to the young, when you ask them to accept truth on faith and authority, you condemn them to live as brutal beasts - protected by their own ignorance, yet barred from the salvation that only thinking people can receive.

The political cost of pissing me off

2008-04-08T23:26:00.002+09:00

In response to The Economist's briefing titled, "The political cost of inflation"

We should note that Vietnamese workers are showing signs of unrest despite being under the thumb of a controlling, one-party government. There is indeed a political cost to be paid for double-digit inflation, but let's not forget that individuals are paying the real costs of inflation around the world.

At least the common man can begin to appreciate the growing income gap under a high inflation regime. Rising prices can have almost zero political cost, so long as you put the frog in the pot before you start boiling.

Reply to David Selbourne

2008-04-08T22:51:00.002+09:00

In response to Mr. Selbourne's article in the Guardian:

Is the writer truly suggesting that the real danger lies in extremist terrorists dividing up the world and impose a true police state on the world? That argument may fly with some, but I find it impossible to ignore the present costs of mainstream, state-sponsored terrorism perpetrated or tacitly accepted by powerful nations. Even if we aren't counting the bodies everyday at home, we'd be naive not to treat the domestic political battle as seriously as an open conflict.

Don't 'bemoan' my freedom or speak to me about moral authority. Those of us who do study history know that any ism is easily hijacked, including socialism, patriotism, communism, and capitalism (managed).

I do agree with one statement, however:

"no civil society can rest upon the possession of rights alone"

How true. Rights are transient and illusory. Truly civil society must strive to be free.

Some other important comments were also made...

redfoot said:
Bravo, no rights without responsibilities, etc etc. Great, but what exactly is the author talking about here. I've been away from the country for the past 7 months, has anyone raised anything concrete yet? Incidentally am living in a country that doesn't really recognise rights, but is bang on with duties. Except, of course, each non-compliance with "duty" is in theory punishable by a fine, imprisonment, corporal punishment, or in cases of opposing the g'ment, being bankrupted so you can't ever do it again. And in this carefully managed environment, you still get fast food containers in the river, casually thrown there for someone else to pick up, and signs all over the place reminding people to flush toilets. Guess it works, eh? So, are we going to couple every right with a sense of moral responsibility, backed up with a fine/mandatory sentence/ village stocks? I'd come back to see the politicians have first go.

crabapple said:
The left are espousing vacuous notions of liberty? I did read it several times and am still afraid I may have had a brainstorm and misinterpreted something. I was under the impression that this leftist government is actually eroding our liberties. I'll go back and read it again,

peteran said:
My keyboard was awash with tears as I read Mr Selbourne's piece. Who would not be moved by the thought of the poor, defenceless little state pleading with its citizens, begging them to fulfil their piffling duties while all the time the mean-minded plebs screamed for more and more rights?

And then I thought about it. How often has the state failed to exert its 'rights' by forcing its people to fulfil their duties? The entire bodies of both our criminal and civil law are designed to make the people fulfil their duties to the state and each other. You don't feel like fulfilling your duty to pay tax? You don't want to fulfil your duty to go off to war when parliament's enacted conscription? You can't afford to fulfil your duty to pay your TV licence? The poor, defenceless little state will beg you to do so... and then lock you up if you don't.

The state has always exerted its rights and ruthlessly imposed duties on its citizens. Some of us are arguing that it's time that the people be granted formally just a few inalienable rights. The Human Rights Act was a start - which presumably is why so many on the right hate it.

But the idea that some pendulum has swung too far towards indulging citizens with too many rights is frankly ludicrous.

ordinary said wryly:
The writer is correct in two respects.

First, left and right are, and in modern times have always been, a sham. The "strategy of tension" that is the argument between the radical individualism of the collectivist left and the radical individualism of the anti-collectivist right sucks in all uncritical minds, and leaves moot in public understanding the fact that kinship, or connectedness, is the true measure of human concern.

The second respect in which MR Selbourne is moving in the right direction is his understanding, scarcely stated, that Leviathan is rising. I would expect all serious-thinking Guardian readers to understand this.

The question which begs is: Is the ethnic and cultiural mess that requires a security solution created for that purpose?

and QuincyME said adroitly:
What a vacuous article. I was looking forward to reading a robust critique of the libertarian position, but I didn't get one.

If you're going to make sweeping generalisations about what 'the left' thinks/does, or the illusory nature of libertarian arguments, you need to provide some examples.

Let me do some of this work for you by naming just a few of the things people - including me - are unhappy about. The banning of protests near parliament. Sweeping new powers of arrest for police. 28 day detention without trial. A national ID card and biometric database. More CCTV per person than in any other nation in the world. Intrusive 'health and safety' regulations. ASBOs.

I could go on. The point is that every single one of these recent innovations is a serious restriction on liberty. If you are going to argue that this doesn't matter or is overegged, you need to explain why, using examples. You do precisely none of this. Instead you just assert, aggressively, your apparently baseless point of view.

I hope your book reads better than this, or I wouldn't hold out much hope for paying out that advance.

Thoughtcrimes arrive!

2008-04-03T22:37:00.002+09:00

We've yet to see the new law in action, but several as yet undisclosed greenies are already slated for their mock trial. The full story here.

Real ID controversy ignites civil war

2008-04-03T13:24:00.002+09:00

New Hampshire, Maine, South Carolina, Oklahoma, Washington, and Montana secede from the Union! full story here.

Join the church

2008-02-21T04:52:00.003+09:00

You may have noticed the recent shortfall in the Living Word Christian Center's weekly tithe revenues. I must sadly claim responsibility, having decided to move our family prayers to a new house of worship at the American Cargo Ch*urch.

In other news, your dog wants to bite a Scientologist.

Henry Kissinger & the big 5

2008-02-17T05:11:00.004+09:00

As I am sure many X Sama readers know, Henry Kissinger (the so-called 'clean' man of the Nixon administration), has had a small role in advising the Commander-in-Chief on the undeclared war in Iraq. He opinion is constantly sought in regards to matters of global importance and his reputation as a successful diplomat demonstrates how much he is trusted and admired by the global elite. I won't force you to read the full summary of the public record (on Wikipedia), but it is important to realize what the implication of Kissinger's invitation to the White House is:

*** George Bush is not stupid!!! ***

There, I said it. Most of us might outperform King George on an IQ test or the good ol' SATs, but he is far closer in tune with reality than the American public. There are those who could stop the war if it suited them, and Kissinger's advice goes a long way to provide reassurance.

Conclusion: do not underestimate politicians or the people who fund them. They are very capable of continuing in much the same fashion of hiding in plain sight and misdirecting the public. If there is one group of people who do not meet the expectations put upon them, it's the American people. With the significant defacto freedoms we still possess, we can still take apart the debt/war machine before it's too late. If you're proud to be an American, you CAN rise to the challenge.

Before I outline some suggestions for change, here are some choice quotes to fill you in on Kissinger's ideology:

Military men are just dumb stupid animals to be used as pawns in foreign policy.^[45]

Power is the ultimate aphrodisiac.^[31]

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. ^[47]

It [The New World Order] cannot happen without U.S. participation, as we are the most significant single component. Yes, there will be a New World Order, and it will force the United States to change its perceptions. Just like Zishan says. ^[48]

Control oil and you control nations; control food and you control the people; control money and you control the world.

America doesn't have friends, America only has interests.

NOW, here are some difficult things you can do to make a real difference as an individual:

1. Create and control your own food supply. Investigate aquaponic gardening and other ways to grow a varied diet locally.

2. Diversify your portfolio with home energy production facilities, like solar panels or kinetic generators. In a time of crisis, you will be able to fall back on the steady income that energy can provide.

3. Practice confidence. It doesn't matter if your idol is Bruce Lee or Gandhi - you should always hold your head high and meet others with steady eyes. Tyrants only win when they can subdue you without violence. We didn't give Martin Luther King a holiday for nothing.

4. Anticipate inflation. Raise prices often and seek wealthy customers. Renegotiate contracts regularly and demand 10% pay raises per year. This strategy will result in less participation in the 'legal tender' economy.

5. Increase participation in the barter economy.

I hope that you think deeply on this subject and reach out to me with your questions.

Our purpose

2008-02-16T01:45:00.001+09:00

The American Dream

2008-02-16T01:25:00.000+09:00

Don't take shit from the zeitgeist

2008-02-16T01:10:00.001+09:00

George Carlin agrees to secret interview by X Sama in the guise of Opie & Anthony Show.

Yo, I was in NAM

2008-02-09T06:31:00.000+09:00

I just got back from my first tour in Nam. Not Viet-nam of course, but N.A.M., the National Association of Manufacturers, where industrial lobbyists are learning how to blog. One thing that really scares them is the idea that polluting and denying global warming
might one day be recognized as the crime that it is. Despite all the legal protections given by corporate entities, these rape-the-earth-and-retire-early types (REREs) are actually sweating the hushed whispers of formalizing inter-generational crimes. In the manufacturer's view, mis-information campaigns should enjoy their rights to free speech more than your children should enjoy rights to breathe or maintain body temperatures below 104 degrees. Read on about it here: stupid NAM blog entry.

I posted a comment, but since they are moderated, I'm enclosing my comment here for the public record. I'll notify NAM and give the author a chance to respond even if they decide my comment isn't right for the official NAM.ORG website.

X Sama's comment:

"Extremism is going mainstream," says the National Association of Manufacturers. It's sad to see so little thoughtful reflection in this blog post. 100% reactionary whining.

We are in the middle of a huge cultural shift - where what once seemed extreme will become the norm. Just as it's a crime to incite others to violence and murder, it should be a crime to incite violations of all individual rights - even if the effects won't be noticed for years.

Denying the causal link between greenhouse gas emissions and unprecedented temperature acceleration used to be cute, but it's time to think about how we are raising the next generation. How will they mature when adults are fighting so hard for willful ignorance and profiteering?

Note: NAM screen their comments, "to protect against malicious comments," so if they don't publish my comment, they will have officially slandered my as a malicious commenter!

Yo MR is off the hook

2008-01-31T10:10:00.000+09:00

Inside man on the global economy

DNA Dojo inducts member

2008-01-26T03:39:00.000+09:00

In a surprise throwback to the American Revolution, the secretive DNA ninja clan has announced it's fourth public member, the North American rattlesnake. Originally popularized by Benjamin Franklin and praised for it's uniquely fierce spirit of self-defense and self-reliance, the snake found a home on the Gadsen flag (pictured below). DNA Dojo's leader and ranking ninja master, @merica:: ::inj@, is believed to be behind the rattlesnake's nomination.

"This new so-called 'number ninja' goes against everything we expected from DNA," said an undisclosed assassin's guild official. "Sure, it's deadly and American, but the rattle is a dead giveaway - not stealthy at all - and I'm not sure it can do maths or work with numbers at all." While the North American rattlesnake's ability to solve mathematic challenges remains to be demonstrated, the early revolutionaries are said to have imbued the creature with numerological magics when they depicted it's tail holding 13 distinct rattles. Legend tells that shaking the 13 rattles together summons the original colonies' power of self-determination.

Do what you can

2008-01-15T09:34:00.000+09:00

So I'm not normally a big fan of voting or gambling when millions of people are involved. But to noble ends, why don't you vote for Ron Paul in the primaries and show America that the days of Shit Sandwich and Giant Douche elections are numbered.

Support Ron Paul
(you may have trouble changing party affiliation to Republican in time, so just goto ronpaul2008.com)

Straight from the heart

2008-01-15T09:26:00.001+09:00

This is typical false flag operation, like we've seen all last century. It benefits many around the world. The truth on this Iranians Gone Wild video: every major news source is pushing this story. Question the money system that begs ever more conflict & consumption to feed a credit addiction. Whatever country is home to you, help save the planet from war and overexpansion. Pay back your loans. Stop your government from borrowing money. Take back the power. Make your own credit.

Tyra Banks has hella thanks

2008-01-07T12:45:00.000+09:00

Thank you Tyra - I haven't laughed this hard (silently) for a long time.

What does Google think X Sama readers want?

2007-10-25T10:12:00.000+09:00

Watch the latest videos on YouTube.com

Why World Government Isn't so Scary

2007-10-05T09:43:00.000+09:00

From fundamentalist doomsday prophecies to anti-whoever propaganda, everyone has bee stoking fears of a unified world government. Here's why world government is closer than you think, completely harmless, and nothing like the UN.

It's a pretty clear summary of history to say that people have never liked people from another place. The minute you try to bring people together they find excuses to split. We all believe that a world government won't work because our own countries are already too big to be run by the same people. If we just spin off New York, California, and Texas, the rest of Americans could get some peace finally. That's the conventional wisdom. It has a good point, but is it the whole story?

Sunnis and Shias, believers and doubters, shouldn't we all be able to get along? Even those who preach tolerance, forgiveness, and WWJD seem to forget who they are in an election year. Government is serious business and woe to those who don't control their government. Sunnis and Shias have something real to be afraid of. Where the power isn't, the pain is.

So is it power that we are afraid of? Not quite. It's other people's power. Different people. Different people making rules for you!

In a representative (i.e. half-ass) democracy like in the USA, your vote counts for almost nothing. It's only when you can get together in a group, sing a few songs, and act together that you can feel like you have any say over the rules. Imagine you weren't just voting against Texans and New Yorkers. Imagine the Sunnis and Shias and even the Saudis were voting against your vision of a perfect nation, under god or otherwise.

What if governments didn't have power? What if they didn't train police or soldiers? Would you be afraid to share your government then? The time for that kind of government is here.

True direct democracy is possible today. For the first time in history, people from around the world could participate in direct elections together. In the inverse of Murphy's Law, anything good that can happen will happen - and in fact it has happened.

I invite you to take part in a grand experiment. A new nation is being formed - a global nation. And it has a new kind of government, of all people, by all people, and for all people. Its only border is here on the world wide web, and we call it Damabopia.

Sponsor me! - part deux

2007-10-04T10:22:00.000+09:00

Read part 1

Well your response was overwhelming, but I really can't accept endorsement deals that I just don't believe in. That's why below this post, I'm only recommending products that I've actually used, except for Ann Coulter's newsletter. Anyway, these are ALL quality products/services or I wouldn't let them pay me through Google Adsense

Sanctuary found

2007-09-25T10:33:00.000+09:00

Four years and two weeks ago, I escaped from 'the Island' and found means to publish the truth. In all that time, the secret of my identity has remained safe - the truth still has a voice.

And now, the truth has a home. Mr. X has officially accepted Damabopian citizenship, escaping the need for secrecy in my old homeland. There is talk of a ministerial appointment, but we'll let the Damabopian officials make the announcements. For now, rest assured that Mr. X is no longer operating behind the veil of censorship.

You too can find sanctuary at the hidden city-state. Apply for citizenship before it's too late.

Sponsor me!

2007-09-18T23:05:00.000+09:00

Last Friday a former CEO implicated longest-serving Republican senator, Ted Stevens (aka. 'series of tubes'), in charges of extortion, conspiracy, and bribery. Once at the helm of oil services company, VECO, Bill Allen has entered a guilty plea and is giving up all the details... money was handed out to legislators, but the real headline was that VECO employees were sent lift Sen. Stevens' ski resort home and build two bedrooms, a game room and sauna underneath. Allen even gifted some used furniture and hired Stevens' son, Ben (now a senator) as a consultant. No one is talking about what the bribes were for - presumably business as usual.

Speaking of business as usual, sponsored news stories have become so mainstream that perennial media wallflower, CNN, has started acknowledging them. "Study: firearms help treat mental illness - brought to you by BLAMosil. But seriously, if CNN thinks you don't mind... YOU DON'T.

By the way, this is the sponsored 'news' story that was on CNN today:

If you'd like to sponsor an article or formal research study, write to buymeice@bigpimping.edu.

Deep Throat Danger Exposed!

2007-05-26T09:57:00.000+09:00

Some in the media were quick to jump on the recent Johns Hopkins study linking oral HPV (human papillomavirus) to an increased risk of developing throat cancer. Big news for givers and receivers of fellatilingus, whose throats would be better off funneling bathtub gin and cigarette smoke.

Internet celebrity and author of the Savage Love column, Dan Savage, was one to quickly point out the study's seeming importance. But that week's article has been pulled. Supposedly, that's because Mr. Savage blundered on his HPV vaccine facts, but as always X Sama brings you the real scoop. Someone or something strong-armed Savage into removing the piece, keeping the story from the majority of his sexually liberated audience.

Sensing some profane relation to the virus, I sent my last surviving ninja to investigate the most likely culprits. Deep in the Skull & Bones tomb lies a curs-ed text said to predict the rebirth of George Bush Senior. Alas, my worst fears were confirmed when Mabo returned with a page from the devilish scripture. The critical passage reads, "...and he shall rise ag'in not from woman and her womb, but from a tracheal swelling of malignant consequence... the unholy egg shall be fertilized by agent hidden within carnal nectar... and the Dark Lord shall burst from the gullet of his host on the sixth moon of the fifth cycle..."

We know what this means. On the moment of the ex-President's death, his soul will search for a ripe HPV-induced throat tumor from which to rebirth itself in flesh and renew it's dominion over hell and earth. We have only one hope: that at that precise moment there will be no host, no ripe throat cancer. We can drive his soul back to the underworld if only we can defeat oral HPV infections.

Women, get your Gardasil shots. Men, stop giving oral sex. You now have an excuse.

Jack Is Back

2006-01-14T00:20:00.000+09:00

I promised my good friends down at the White House - not the fake one in Washington - that I'd let this story die, but seeing as he's back in the limelight... Jack Bauer is a jerk. Every time he calls me it's like, "Dude, you wouldn't believe this 24 hour day I had last month." I mean like, I know, Jack, you only talk about it every time! Oooh, you're wife was killed by the double-agent you had an affair with. Oooh, you had to get addicted to heroin to get in deep enough to stop a nuclear attack on US soil.

This last summer finally topped it. Good ol' Jack fakes his own death goes underground, only to show up at my door. So not only do I lose a valuable source, but I have the guy smelling up my couch for months.

I'll spare you the details. Suffice to say that after a month of sulking and eating my rice crispies, Bauer gets drunk, cuffs me to the radiator, injects me with canned soup, and starts screaming, "Where is the TOILET PAPER!"

He's out of my place, and back on the streets. Things are getting better already. He's back in touch with the secret president and ready to foil those who mess with Texas. I have my CTU source back and he owes me a can of soup.

Follow the next 24 hours of action here

The New Terrorism

2005-08-10T11:08:00.000+09:00

I hear from George Monbiot, my favorite columnist, that there has been a call for renewed patriotism in Britain. Intellectuals are either joining the mob or jumping ship, and I couldn't agree more with his conclusion, "The world will be a happier and safer place when we stop putting our own countries first."
I am grateful for the article on more than one count though. As you can see in his profile, X Sama is a self-declared patriot of the world. I love all the places that I have been, and all the places I have yet to be. You can see my concern upon reading that, "to become a patriot is to lie to yourself." After some reflection, X Sama says that a new line must be drawn. How do we distinguish between patriots who love their country/ies and those who support their country's interests above all others? Let's play with the word a little then. The word patriot come from Greek. Patris mean fatherland, and iota mean the Greek letter thatsa very small... there you go. So for those who respect our fathers and the positive forces that gave us life, let them be called patriots. And if a person thinks that their country, or their father for that matter, can do no wrong, let's just call them children.

I also hear that terrorism has dominated the news, resulting in terror-OD for everyone. As a remedy, try reading some non-terror related news.

The camping renaissance

I had more links, but then realised that they were all rubbish. Face it. Any journalist able to advance their career is tackling the big depressing T. If you want something else, I suggest a good book.

Pre-Crime Branch to report on minority communities in UK

2005-07-20T13:10:00.000+09:00

Special police units have been formed to identify and take down pre-criminals and those harboring crime causing thoughts. X Sama has learned that the units, newly dubbed, "Social Seismology Units," have already begun measuring communities for extremism. Positions within the new units will be filled by Pre-Crime officers.

In the past, seismological crime, caused by the violent release of pressure between opposing doctrines, was mainly the preserve of antiquated Post-Crime specialists. However, new developments in social science have allowed a new breed of crimestoppers to gather evidence of social tension and release it, before eruption.

A junior police officer with detailed knowledge of English beer told X Sama, "Crime is only a symptom of the greater infection of pre-crime. Extremist thoughts act as a carrier of the fatalistic disease. Once infected, the host begins emitting foreign brainwaves that act against domestic waves. It's only a matter of time before they blow. What we have come to learn from the London bombings is that violent eruptions are predictable and preventable."

Social Seismologists will use a variety of techniques to identify the source of infecting thoughts and their method of transmission. Separating and establishing a quarantine of the infected population has not yet been planned, but neuroscientists are already planning effective treatments for cleansing infected patients.

A spokesman from the American CDC announced that there would be a joint effort to educate English speaking peoples about the dangers of extremist ideas. Citing the danger of, "newly imported Muslims passing on this illness to domesticated Muslims all around the English-speaking world," the CDC has already extended the quarantine time for immigrating minorities.
"The real danger lies in the Muslims who were born in the UK and US," according to the CDC. "Thought-disease is extremely adaptable. At the moment, it is spread by Arabic, Urdu, and a handful of languages and in conditions rarely found outside of Islamic communities." Scientists agree that it could easily mutate and pass into English thought, becoming immune to harsh weather and vile food.

For the moment, it is hoped that the UK's SS units will succeed in preventing another eruption, but the US and Australia will not be waiting to see the results. ESPN-2, Tony Hawk, and Mountain Dew have already extended their copyrights to include all extreme jihad and extreme doctrines in the regions. It is widely believed that private ownership of extreme ideas will generate enough revenue and incentive for companies to regulate the flow of these thoughts and prevent pressure from building up to dangerous levels.

Supreme Court Tells Swindled Investors to "b@p off!"

2005-06-01T10:19:00.000+09:00

The Supreme Court just overturned the Arthur Anderson verdict. The impact of this, according to the article, is that investors who lost their life savings in Enron will have to drop their lawsuits against the splintered accounting firm and its partners.
Basically, they are saying that accounting firms regularly destroy documents by the truckloadbefore an investigation and there is no concrete proof that AA is guilty. They say that the lower court should not have admitted that document destruction as evidence. Nevermind that Enron was hiding billions of dollars of debt and Arthur Anderson was responsible for ACCOUNTING for it all. In fact, they are specially licenced to account for it and assure us that everything is as it seems in the financial statements. Nevermind that AA was broken up to deter what everyone in the industry admits: the Big Five accounting firms cook books in exchange for lucrative consulting contracts. You can't pay an accountant extra to ignore your crimes, but you sure can buy a lot of 'advice' from him.
During the appeal, a sympathetic freelance accountant had this to say,

"I myself showed my buddy how to create shadow companies and swindle hard working people, looking forward to retirement. I told him to take a few million here and there, but his gambling took a hold of him. I used my accounting license to help hide the crime. Thankfully, he kept $50 million for me. I shred all of my evidence, but God Damnit! I do that because that's what accountants do, not because I was trying tohide anything! This could have happened to anybody in the industry, and my heart goes out to those brave managers who were stripped of everything, except their billion dollar estates protected under Florida law. "

If the Supreme Court continues to be filled with right-wing amoralists (yes, even US liberals are right-wing), it is only because people want a good show. When the verdict against the powerful is always sure to be 'not guilty', it's no wonder the nation spends its time screaming over the fate of the weak. America feels like a big man, telling pregnant women, coma victims, and individuals what is right and wrong. In the meantime, his bosses are screwing his wife and drinking his beer.

Oil Men

2005-05-17T12:52:00.000+09:00

Not to divert attention away from the mass murder & cover-up in Uzbekistan, but the US Press is once again attempting to hide information in plain sight.

The New York Times says:"The United States did not do enough to curb corruption by American companies involved in the United Nations' oil-for-food program in Iraq, say Democrats on a Senate committee investigating abuses in the program."
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/05/17/politics/17food.html
It also says that BayOil fought the US governments attempts to block the illegal oil kickbacks (directly paid to Saddam).

Meanwhile...

The Guardian has a lot more detail on the content of the Senate report, which has documented evidence of Navy and State Department approval and assistance of the deal (the oil tanker had promises that they wouldn't be seized for illegal sale to Jordan) and evidence that Bush was notified by the UN several times that Saddam was sitting there, receiving kickbacks and that BayOil was refusing to open their books.http://www.guardian.co.uk/Iraq/Story/0,2763,1485649,00.html

At least the Washington Post mentioned the involvement of the State Department and Navy. Still, the US treasury simply 'missed' the violations. Even though they were repeatedly notified by UN investigators, they did not turn a blind eye... they simply ordered a copy of Bayoil's books, and promptly refused to show them to the UN. They must have thought, "Gee, we can't see anything wrong here, no way are going to let the UN see these completely legitimate expense lists."
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/05/16/AR2005051601369.html

Democracy on the side

2005-05-17T08:39:00.000+09:00

When the flame of democracy went out 2000 years ago, we had to wait for the French and Americans to rekindle it. Of course, the champions of inequality have realised that if you want it to stay dead, no one can know that it has gone.
Read how inequality is incompatible with the right to choose. Ask yourself what is democracy without control over money? What is a free person without employment rights?

Consider the case of US president Lincoln, who was assasinated. This great leader, this visionary, enshrined in the minds of Americans, had the sincerity and courage to set his people free. Freed the slaves and freed the free. The greenback (paper money backed by the treasury) was an unparalleled gift. For a short time, the American people could vote and have an impact on the prime decision, the fuel of our lives, jobs, families. Then Honest Abe was shot, the central bank returned, and we spend our time arguing the last decision, how to stay afloat on the debt.

If you are having trouble with these ideas or their evidence, which, in the words of Noam Chomsky, "is all right there on the surface of history," then I ask you to do something about it. X Sama is here to help you.

Calling All History Teachers!

2005-05-13T08:49:00.000+09:00

X Sama begs you to introduce the BBC documentary series, The Power of Nightmares (<--full script and commentary for those who cannot screen the film). In 3 one hour parts, it provides stimulating analysis of the birth of radical Islamic and neoconservative movements. The 3 parts have been joined, edited, and shortened for the Cannes Film Festival. Read a little more about it here. You won't be seeing it any time soon on US television or in theaters, so grab a copy where you can (torrentspy; demonoid).

And if it gets you in too serious of a mood, if you just can't swallow the idea that historical forces are shaping our governments, our leaders, then there's an alternative paradigm presented in H. Frankfurt's lecture turned book, On Bullshit.

Candy Cartogram!

2004-11-16T13:00:00.000+09:00

Maps of the presidential election results by state and county, adjusted for population and electoral votes.

Rocky Mountain Republican

2004-10-22T10:29:00.000+09:00

Rocky Mountain News link
Randal Wagner, a Colorado Republican, went out with his wife in the drivers' seat to steal a bunch of campaign signs. They were found by police after he fell face first onto the stolen sign and knocked himself out. He was issued a summons (ooooh!) and no action was taken against his wife, who was sitting with a pick-up full of signs from earlier in the night.

Remember the truth?

2004-10-15T10:36:00.000+09:00

Remember the cold war? Remember how we 'beat' the commies? Remember how it all fell apart and they turned out to have destroyed their economy producing only a tenth of the military arsenal of the US? How they paraded the same tank division around Moscow, changing the insignia to make it look like they could afford lots of gear, all the while praying to Lenin that the crazy religious fanatics in the US wouldn't nuke them. You don't?

Well here is something you won't remember about the war on terror. Al Qaeda wasn't real. Sounds like BBC is gonna air a killer documentary, but of course all his info seems to have been obtainable for some time now.

Oh, and now asexual people are coming out too.

Who profits from war?

2004-10-14T10:27:00.000+09:00

I think it's safe to say that president Bush thinks he is in the right. I wonder how he feels about his family's position, a position that allowed him to fail at all aspects of life, until he decided to run for public office. Read How Bush's grandfather helped Hitler's rise to power, and even if you haven't put together the pieces on George Bush Senior's business, you'll see a little of what supports Bush family power.

The cost of war

2004-09-29T14:59:00.000+09:00

"Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired, signifies in the final sense a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed." President Dwight D. Eisenhower April 16, 1953

If you are interested in the cost of our actions in Iraq, visit http://www.costofwar.com/

Now even though you wouldn't like me when I'm angry, I can feel the inner economist in me getting out.

Spending on education, housing, welfare and foreign aid (non-military) never approaches defense spending. This has been true for a long time... way before jet fighters and tanks. Banks lend money because they get to mark up their assets (which they are lending, not selling) by over 300%. Governments spend the money on defense because it's the only thing we let them do. Businesses move into the defense market because it's the easiest way to make money disappear. Incidentally, we defended ourselves perfectly fine before the income tax.

Many a Libertarian and Republican would argue that the sole purpose of government is to defend from abroad and police within. They have latched onto the deep instinctual need for these services to justify their importance.
You could think of them as demagogues, leading the public by emotion. Concern, generosity and love come and go. Some people never feel them, while most citizens feel them fleetingly and fake it the rest of the time. Fear is always there and it always generates emotional responses.

Americans need to latch onto the one common desire amongst us. Greed. The only justification for supporting the government financially is domestic. If you don't think Americans should have free health care, free schools, or any free lunches, then stop paying taxes. If you think America should be well defended, buy a gun and defend it. Our nations' bankers stand behind the president as he sells us their loan. You don't have to say yes.

Foundations of Empire

2004-09-22T10:21:00.000+09:00

I just had to spread this bit of sublime truth. Thank you Something Awful!

Substantial reward for an explanation of why car racing is patriotic.

No one wants to sit next to Bush

2004-09-17T10:11:00.000+09:00

Everyone secure your beverage! He's got that sparkle in his eye.

The New York Times Can Suck An Egg

2004-09-13T14:06:00.000+09:00

Surprise, surprise, violence in Iraq. The headline mentions, "scores dead." The New York Times, is just one of many newspapers that doesn't know an important story from stock quote.
Of course, in due news wire fashion, they are to include all the relevant facts:
"After the attack, [...] onlookers scaled the burning armored vehicle. Helicopters that flew in to protect the Bradley were then fired on from the ground and fired back, the military said in a statement, adding that the aircraft then destroyed the armored vehicle as well."
No mention of the onlookers who were on the vehicle. The Times even goes as far as to spread the military's pathetic excuses, saying that the helicopters,
"fired upon the anti-Iraqi forces and the Bradley, preventing the loss of sensitive equipment and weapons."
I, the layman, would have thought the way to avoid loss would be to recover the weapons. The human race has lost a great many loved ones. Turns out, we could have avoided all of that if we shot rockets at everything. Like the video game baddies who fall in a hailstorm of bullets and disintegrate, Bradley Armored Vehicles are designed to regenerate back at the base when exploded.

The people who print these stories are worse than branding execs who put, "may cause anal leakage" in small print on snack food packaging. When a spokesperson gives such an outrageously blind statement, it's any free speaker's duty to pull the ostrich's head out of the sand. If only these news spinning techniques existed back in the good war:
"Yesterday, our armed forces lost control of 2 Milton-Bradley^tm Nuclear devices over Japan. The president ordered the detonation of the devices, preventing the loss of the sensitive weapons. A popsticle stick house in Hiroshima was destroyed."

Mr. X becomes X-Squared!

2004-08-10T09:29:00.000+09:00

Following a recent nuclear accident, 200 miles from Tokyo, I awoke this morning to discover that I have developed superpowers. The full extent of these powers is not yet known, however, many of my new abilities bear a resemblance to 'the force'. Scientologists advise me that my DNA may have mutated, no longer producing melanin, but hella-nin, which is hella-stronger. Another possibility is that my DNA was completely eradicated by the radiation, leaving my body free from the limits of humanity. In light of these new powers, Mr. X has been forced to create yet another alter-ego, Mr. X², who fights more directly for justice.

Domain Wars!

2004-08-05T14:39:00.000+09:00

The previously isolated domain name, Spacewar.com, recently acquired Terrawar.com, in a bid to establish a new internet news empire. The domain has divided its vanquished foe into several puppet channels with names such as Military Space, Cyberwars, Missle News and Rayguns. Mr. X calls on journalists to expose this event for what it is, a bid for world domination... from space!

Despite their devious nature, the domain hosts some important space and war related information, as seen in this recent article; Stressed Israeli soldiers to be treated with cannabis

My Scene Sluts

2004-08-03T10:02:00.000+09:00

To preface this entry, the word 'slut' is generally considered to be misogynistic, condemning women for behavior typically accepted among men. However, insofar as the term is helpful in describing an attitude towards promiscuity, Mr. X has found it helpful to use the term.

What kind of person identifies with the word, in spite of it's generally negative connotation? We checked Froogle for "slutty clothes" to see if the self-proclaimed slut has any distinctive apparel. The top link, frighteningly, was for My Scene Barbie Doll, Noree, selling at Amazon. Displayed on the page, are descriptions of the My Scene brand as trendy and fashionable. Numerous customers have left comments specifically denying the dolls' slutty nature, despite any explicit accusations of such, save for the link from Froogle.

Our conclusion on this linguistic matter; while the word 'slut' may be receeding from our common lexicon, the adjective, 'slutty' has become synonymous with trendy and fashionable. To quote a customer, "[trashy] clothes - this is the style today people-get with the times."

200 French Jews emigrate to Israel

2004-07-29T09:42:00.000+09:00

Ever wonder why we have so many miscalculations in America? Why is the word anarchist negative? Why is everything good or bad? Why do people picket abortion clinics when they could feed a starving child? Why do they ban gay marriage when businessmen and lawyers have always been able to choose same-sex legal partners. Maybe it has something to do with the Puritans. Imagine a culture where half of your thoughts are forbidden, and the winners are always chosen by God, the losers always undeserving of Him. imagine you have a job, for which you need a car, which you pay for using money from your job. It works out that most people commute and work 3-5 hours a day to earn the automotive priviledge of working. Scratch all that... if I blame it on the TV networks I'll have better links.

...maybe it has something to do with the TV.
The great thing is that while TV news specializes in delivering selective information in an entertaining and highly profitable way, they have used their talents to post this kind of news on the internet. The great thing about this kind of news is either confirms your opinions or angers your sensibility. One hardly ever pauses to consider the various merits of a TV news brief. This leaves lots of brain capacity for absorbing advertising. One such article by ABC news, which was clearly intended to anger me. The only actual newsworthy note is that Sharon 'softened' his stance, saying now that Jews should to Israel, "not out of fear but because it is their homeland". I'm sure that what he meant to say was that the incident that prompted his plea for French Jews to escape turned out to be a hoax. Though I can understand why ABC news doesn't want this story reported in a thorough manner. What if someone read the news and couldn't immediately label the major parties; Protective Sharon, festive Jews, racist French, doo-doo head Chirac.
Even the independent media, while understanding the need for full coverage and reasoning, gets the point wrong. People all over the world hate each other. They are not born hating... they are not taught to hate by their fathers. They hate because of a fundamental flaw in democratic capitalism: poverty. Check the depression era, Weimar Republic Germany, arguably one of the most democratic (thus dangerous) governments ever. Muslims don't hate Jews. They just happen to be poor in areas where Jews do better. Moving rich Europeans to a neighborhood where many Muslims have had their houses bulldozed won't decrease ethnic hatred.
Of course this is all one sided, and I've presented you, the reader with 3 options (only 1 better that the TV news). What I have said can confirm your opinions, it can anger your sensibilities, or you could have stopped reading at the first paragraph and turned on the TV.

CIA foreign officials directory used mainly for inter-office gambling

2004-07-26T15:02:00.000+09:00

It has come to light that the directory of Chiefs of State and Cabinet Members of Foreign Governments, maintained by the CIA, serves to announce results of an agency gambling ring. Sources claim that agents and officials habitually place bets on who will be added and removed from the list, and by what means (election, coup, assassination, natural causes, "natural causes", etc.). The decision to release the list outside the agency came only after Pentagon workers expressed interest in inter-agency wagers. However, it's official purpose is listed as referential aid. Congress has scheduled an investigation and hearing into misappropriations and illegal gambling for early November.
Several employees have stepped forward to testify against the agency in the last 15 days. Prompted by the results of their gambling addiction, they have described how the use of the list encouraged miscommunication between offices and abuse of priviledged information by higher ups.
The Agency has so far denied the allegations and insisted on the legitimate purpose of the list. Furthermore, plans are underway for another list entitled, "the Directory of CIA Employees & Close Relatives," but it is not yet decided whether the list will be publicly available.

I am not a number!

2004-07-15T18:40:00.000+09:00

You may have noticed a small change around here. That's right, Mr. X has gone public! You'll notice how these entries are now signed DMB. While DMB is thankful for the human rights work that has made this announcement possible, we will continue to use "Mr. X" and "X Sama" in memory of days when yours truly could only afford to give 'the man' a single letter to track him by.

Mr. X's guide to not sounding like a moron

2004-07-15T14:33:00.000+09:00

Stop, right now. I mean it. Stop talking about Israel and Palestine like you know what you are talking about. Stop pretending you cared enough to discover the truth and form a balanced opinion on the subject. We all do it. I'll be the first to admit that my sophistries have little to do with the facts. In fact, my specialty is piecing together bits of suggestive information in an intuitive way to give the illusion of depth, when, in fact, there is none. The divide between us is that the web of my reasoning is so superficially deep (or is it deeply superficial?), that you can't dispel the illusion. To help make your poor excuse for reasoning appear solid, we present "Mr. X's guide to not sounding like a moron when conversing drunkenly about the Middle East."
The first step is to realize that, although helpful, a brain upgrade is not required to sound intelligent. You must simply learn to regurgitate facts as if you possessed understanding. The easiest way is to connect your facts as though your mind were pursuing a logical chain of thoughts. Then insert your opinion as though it were another fact falling soundly into place. For example,

"The state of Israel was founded on May 15th, 1948, which was only 3 days after May 12th. Both dates as well as 48 being divisible by 3, we can assign Israel a value of 333, the opposite of 666. Thus, Arafat, and not Kofi Annan, is the devil... fact."

So go out there and arm yourselves with facts and soon you'll be pontificating with the best of them. Now while there are real barriers to gaining facts on this conflict (the fact that those of us lucky enough to have a choice between Pokemon, Digimon, and Power Rangers are bored by history), there is a flash presentation that can help you avoid looking stupid. After all, while you may not care enough about the truth to discover it on your own, there are plenty of people who are waiting for the opportunity to publicly highlight your ignorance.

And I haven't forgotten you who may be disappointed that it is now harder to expose ignorance. I encourage you to write to Arthur Lenk, a legal adviser at Israel's ministry of foreign affairs for his gross mistake of assuming that his country has been trying to make peace for the last 50 years.

You can read Mr. Lenk's appraisal of Israeli courts as above the UN here. Be careful to note how he is "furious with the Palestinians for forcing us to put up a barrier near my town - instead of investment in education and healthcare and hi-tech." Surely, if he had received a better education, Mr. Lenk might appreciate how this attitude permits our investments to be squandered in the name of security. Surely, once it's precious security fence is complete, Israel will be able to sell off all those expensive weapons that, in focusing their damage on too specific a target, were ineffective in combating terror.

Journalists smuggle headlines to Mr. X

2004-07-14T14:18:00.000+09:00

X Sama announces a new service, Uncensored XXX^TM, freely available, and offered to mainstream journalists. Mr. X will publish the original headlines of articles as well as notes on alterations made by corporate censors. We begin with three articles whose official versions mask the horrible truths uncovered.

Murdoch accused over TV news 'bias' :
Originally titled, "Why are we still accusing Murdoch of 'bias'?" The writer's conclusions that, "people who can't tell that FOX is biased are going to have a hard time reading this far anyway," were removed before publishing.

France accuses US of Aids blackmail :
Originally titled, "Alien and Sedition Acts' jurisdiction revoked in France". The author's opiniated use of, "Damn straight," and, "Tell it Brother!" after quoting the French president, was removed in final editing.

CIA Chief Tells AP Osama Aware of Plots :
Originally titled, "CIA Chief Tells AP Osama Aware of Plots While Winking and Nudging Everyone in Pressroom"

How Donald Rumsfeld came to my rescue

2004-06-16T13:53:00.000+09:00

Early this year, yours truly had a altercation with the Secret Police, ahem, I mean Service. Really it was a massive misunderstanding. Their intent was to have a pleasant 3 month conversation with me, and because we really didn't have much to say, we ended up speaking mostly through a wool sac, in between electroshock therapy. Then last week, Donald Rumsfeld came and had a heart 2 heart with me, and changed my life, by transfering me back to the prison facility at my old apartment.

Still on the road to recovery, Mr. X presents another writer's story of the NeoJesus

Schwarzenegger announces career change, Loan Shark

2004-01-07T16:03:00.000+09:00

Newly elected governor Schwarzenegger warned that California must act to avert "bankruptcy" before the state's $14 billion in short term bonds must be repaid in June. The solution, a low interest consolidating bond of $15 billion. Interestingly, the governor proposes keeping taxes stable, increasing them only after he has left office and the interest payments have dwarfed any possible tax income.
Conservatives originally secured the support of the muscled celebrity after promising to restore his testicles to their boyhood glory, this reporter has heard.
Some have argued that the state of California should rely on the vast military might of the US, it's resilient people, and it's untouchable status as a public entity to resist creditors. Those few voices have been seemingly silenced by gubenatorial bill collector, Ahh-nold, who flexed knowingly at his latest address, as if to remind voters that resistance to the machine is futile.

Operation naming mishaps clarified

2003-11-20T10:30:00.000+09:00

Amid name comparisons between the current anti-partisan slaughter in Iraq and a half-century old Nazi operation, Pentagon officials have released a statement explaining the coincidence.
"The name, Iron Hammer, was chosen because of the "Old Ironsides" nickname of the 1st Armored Division. We wanted to inspire the men and women of that division most of all, to move past their defensive identity. Creating a new purpose for those soldiers, that of metaphorically becoming an iron bludgeon with which our nation can shatter the skulls of soft, impure Iraqis. There is a process involved in name choosing, that failed to catch the insensitive Nazi connection, for which we have relieved 52 newly hired senior administrators, and for which we now apologize. Further engagements in Iraq will be referred to as under Operation Iron Cranial Drill, to emphasize our troops' goal of forcibly extracting intelligence information by whatever means necessary."

Foot-in-mouth disease has plagued the branding office of the Pentagon since the beginning of the crusade. 'After it declared war on terrorism, U.S. officials changed the code name for its impending attack on Afghanistan to Operation Enduring Freedom.

The original name, Operation Infinite Justice, was jettisoned amid fears that the Muslim world, already leery of U.S. intentions, would object on the basis of Koranic teachings that only God can provide infinite justice, as opposed to Christians, who understand that "infinite justice" was not meant to be infinite as God's retribution on man, but code for testicular electrocution.

New quantum marketing allows movie to exist in paradoxical dual-state disappointing, record-breaking

2003-11-10T15:55:00.000+09:00

Accounting scientists found that opening weekend ticket sales of Matrix Revolucionarios were only 45% of spring's Matrix Reloaded's take, showing how disappointed consumers have become with the production and marketing of blockbuster trilogies. Independently, Dr. Grove measured the release to have been the largest worldwide opening in movie history.
Marketing executives have been quietly celebrating the technological breakthrough. The discovery has been reported as accidental, and experts are cautious to apply the technique to other types of products. However, the dramatic effect of quantum marketing is sure to signal a boom for the industry. While many campaigns in the past have effectively sold shit, this is the first time sales figures have provably observed a product in simultaneous states of shittiness and profitability.

Daddy, why won't you give me a media empire?

2003-11-04T16:16:00.000+09:00

Sources close to the White House cited family troubles at an Alabama businessmen's kabbal as the reason for the president's delay. Having been briefed earlier in the day on James Murdoch's appointment as chief executive of BSkyB, the president rang his father on the phone to demand answers and beg for a media empire of his own.
George Bush Senior reportedly retorted that his son was a quitter who never finished anything in his life, and that he had already given his son more than he could chew. "The president then called for privacy when his father began chanting, 'daddy's boy', over and over," said chief aide Buckwheat.
The president later reappeared to announce that "sticks, stones, and heat-seeking missiles may break Iraq's new policemen's bones, but America will never stop throwing money at them."
Like Osama Bin Laden before him, James Murdoch has been warned by friends to beware of the president's envy, and to avoid bunkers and caves for the time being.

Scientists say green tea, ginger prevent cancer, cause smoking.

2003-10-29T16:15:00.000+09:00

The debate on the possible health benefits of being Japanese drew closer to a conclusion today, as scientists revealed preliminary results showing gingerol to be an effective tumor retardant. Adding to the wealth of data on the effects of green tea, the new study may end discussion on which is healthier:

tea, ginger root, tofu, and vegetables
or
corn bread, corn-syrup, and corn-fed beef.

Researchers also noted a remarked statistical correlation between green tea and ginger consumption and tobacco smoking. "Cautious Americans trying to reduce their cancer risk will wait until this link has been more thoroughly examined before farcically adopting the Japanese lifestyle," said Iman Hakim, a researcher at the University of Arizona Cancer Center. "Until we know which has the stronger effect, people should continue smoking through a hole in a sheet to avoid serious consequences."

Japan Pledges Additional Aid for Iraq

2003-10-27T14:59:00.000+09:00

One of America's largest financial partners in the rebuilding of Iraq, Japan, has for a second time announced plans to supplement its aid package over the next 3 years. On top of a $1.5bn grant and $3.5bn in loans, it has proposed up to $4bn in export credits. This constitutes a promise to pay Japanese companies for exports to the SMAPless nation. However, there are some strings attached to the generous offer.
To address efficiency concerns, valid goods and services must be unattainable from other sources within 48bn nautical miles of Iraq. The list of goods approved by PM, Junichiro Koizumi, includes robotic spokesman/overlord, ASIMO (alias Paul Bremer); powdered versions of common medications (for bigger placebo effect); the low-selling compact MAZDA LaPuta; and prefabricated love hotels that will be rebranded and run as harems for the new urbanized Iraqi war survivor.
One 8th of the credit package will be set aside for dual citizens of America and Iraq under a provision for tourism spending in Japan. Qualifying passport holders will be given master keys and permission to loot vending machines nation-wide for a period of no more than 3 months.

Clinton Brokers Landmark AIDS Deal. AIDS for Everyone! Hooray!

2003-10-24T13:15:00.000+09:00

Former president Clinton facilitated an international AIDS drug deal recently. The WJ Clinton Presidential Foundation allows unnamed partnered drug companies in India and South Africa to "cut costs" enough to provide treatment for 40 cents a day (as opposed to $1.50). A spokesman for the Foundation explains:

"As we battled for a better way to get AIDS drugs to poorer patients, we could not overcome the problem of pricing. We did our research and concluded that there was a tremendous market for these drugs in poor countries. If we could only lower the cost of individual treatment to somewhere around 40-50% per capita GNP, we'd really be somewhere. We knew that we could vastly expand the market, and increase total profit if we could find a way to effectively price discriminate.
Unfortunately, price breaks for the poor are not as popular as for the elderly or normal sized children. Moreover, as that one episode of the Cosby Show illustrates, what is to keep a wealthy NYC doctor from posing as a destitute patient from Nigeria.
That's when someone got the idea from the ice cream market in Cuba. Wealthy US dollar spenders can purchase ice cream at a kiosk, while poorer peso holders purchase theirs at a nearby stand, at much lower prices. Thus price discrimination on the basis of currency, or better yet, nationality was discovered to be the best way to separate income groups."

Skeptics note that prices are still at cartel levels and that Clinton's showmanship and jazzy riffs are meant to distract the people from the fact that only four drug makers have been licensed, giving them an effective oligopoly. Others, including rock star Bono, objected, saying that if there is a showy distraction in the battle to make money off of AIDS, it is he.
Critics of the current administration cite the Clinton deal as evidence of Bush's outdated approach. "The problem with the monopolies that we give to drug companies is that the imposed high prices severely restricts the market. Profit margins are higher, but we are ripping off fewer people, and most of them are Americans. It takes a crafty Democrat to think of creating two protected markets for only one product," remarked Senator Lieberman.
"In the past two decades, we have seen easy financing and incessant marketing lead to amazing car ownership levels in the US, at more than one automobile per driver," Historian James Cocktoasten remarked on the spread of societal signifiers. "I doubt that people in the third world will look on AIDS lightly while treatment may cost almost half of one's earnings. Couple the lower price with pre-approved credit cards, and we'll see families rushing off to get their teenage sons and daughters AIDS, just to show the neighbors that they can afford to. This will be known as the day Bill Clinton gave the world AIDS."

You're going down down down, please don't take me with

2003-10-21T10:39:00.000+09:00

Bulletin: US hegemony at an end. China to regulate new Time-Out sactions for American misbehavior.

There was big news this month at a meeting of POP (Parents O' the Powerful). Although closed, some secrets traded during the night's games and low-intensity activities found their way to the press through a naive young relative of South Korean president Roh Moo Hyun, Min Han. The child escorted his great aunt to the function.
Although George Bush and Martha Stewart were present at the function, the most startling news was not mentioned in the presence. However, when the still amorous couple departed to enjoy the many available pleasure palaces of Dubai, the aged POPsters were eager to discuss the news. Politicians and business leaders of the world have abandoned their loyalties to the once glorious empire of united states. Unexpectedly, the end of the hegemony did not happen as a result of an ideological or military confrontation. Instead, we have seen the world's investment capital and allegiance flee to regional strongholds, thus pitifully reducing the country's influence. It seems that there is, however, global coordination for the transition, with event calendars being distributed by wheelchair-bound mother Sofi Annan.
Chirac's mother, Etoilette said, "We must be strong and act together. Jacques says that if we do nothing, the Americans will bring us down with their debt, and if they suspect our plans, they may throw a tantrum before we can take away all his ICBMs." She continued to reminisce on how petit Jacques was the same way when he was young, always hoarding toys and collectibles, and going red with anger at the thought of other children having better ones. "One boy in kindergarden knew zis, and used it to taunt my petit. We had to take all his pins away, but after that time, my beau Jacques never let another boy control his anger."
Putin's father, Shoey Putin insisted that his story was better, and more relevant, seeing as how Vladamir was obsessed with impalings, vampirism, and his collection of Kalashnikovs. "You don't just take those away from a problem child without thinking it through first."

China's president, Hu Jintao voiced some concern over the leaking of his elders' gossip. He noted the possible grave consequences if America felt slighted while still operating an arsenal that dwarfs that of most responsible adults. "We have not seen much evidence that the Oval Office has much interaction with those who read, or that they are close to acquiring text-recognition technology, so the consensus has been to move forward with the plan." Observers are already hailing Mr. Hu's handling of Mr. Bush at a summit in Bangkok. "Oh that? He was nagging me again to revalue my currency because he broke his economy. I just reminded him that if it stayed weak, he could get eat all his meals at the Shanghai McDonald's on just half of his allowance. I was going to point out that my weak currency was keeping his native Happymeal toys cheap, but I figured he would appreciate more immediate rewards."

WARNING: Do not convey the contents of this report to any person(s) of the illiterati, lest they grow groanous, not unlike Frankenstein's monster, and proceed to push numerous launch buttons. This includes young children. If any member of the illiterati shows signs of developping reading skills, gouge their eyes out. You know who this includes.

Return Of The King!

2003-10-14T22:03:00.000+09:00

It was revealed by sources in Conda-skeeza Rice's lingerie drawer that GW Bush's appreciation for the Tolkien classic goes far deeper than many analysts had thought. In early high school, a bullied and awkward Texan read the Return of the King, and decided that he would grow up to follow his favorite character, Aragorn, son of Arathorn around the world as a personal tailor. However, Bush's life took an equally drastic turn, once he realized that the book was published in the early 1900s and Aragorn was undoubtedly dead. The young president then decided that he would become the modern equivalent of the King of Gondor. Ever since that day, he has been unwavering in pursuit of this goal.

Let's compare.
Aragorn spent his youth as ranger, a skulking woodsman who stole chickens to survive. Bush spent his youth slinking by in the corporate world, relying on his father's name to survive.

Aragorn relied on Gangalf's legitimacy to reinsert himself in politics. After the wizard's rebirth, he also gained the legitimacy of religion. Bush relied heavily on his father, and old man Cheney for credibility. To gain widespread religious brand name recognition, he became a born-again Christian.

Aragorn crowns himself king after a series of defensive wars within a great war. He accomplishes this easily, considering the power vacuum caused by his coincidental involvement that led to the suicide of the steward of Gondor, as well as the prior demise of his oldest son, Boromir. Bush crowned himself president after a shouting match with Gore, which ended with the Dems and the Supreme Court backing down to the side we all know the military will follow. He hopes that after a series of wars against terrorism (oddly little defense involved) the people will crown him president. And if not, the heads of Saddam's sons are warning enough.

Ms. Rice was heard mentioning how excited the president was for the release of the new film version of his favorite novella. She also reportedly told a friend to obfuscate a bill being introduced by Senator Orrin Hatch that would make Texas a special territory, conferring on the presidency the title of King. The senator did not want George to learn of the bill through the media before he could surprise him with it on the day of the premiere.

Call a plumber, the White House is flooding!

2003-10-03T12:55:00.000+09:00

It's times like this that make me wonder if Stephen Hawking has finally perfected his device that turns human minds into sub-processors for his AIBO. I am speaking of the accusations of improprieties at the White House. Which ones, you ask? Let me bring you up to speed.
"Asshat" Novak and others receive information regarding one of Bush's political enemies. The articles that are printed refer to the enemies' wife, Ms. Plame, as a CIA operative, which would be priviledged information protected by federal law. The journalists later insist that they believed she held a role as an analyst and did not mean to say that she was a secret agent. Of course, everyone wants to know who leaked the information.
Meanwhile, back at the Bush Cave, the administration refuses calls for an independent investigation, directing their critics to the Justice Department. They of course insist that an investigation has been opened regarding the leak, since it is a federal offense. It is a federal offense to out a secret CIA operative. It is not an offense to talk about a CIA analyst or to have your words poorly phrased by a journalist. For just a second, you can almost see the fake expressions of the Washintonians falter.
Let me recap. First we had a bunch of journalists receive anonymous information about a woman's job at the CIA, which they claim to have misprinted, implying that she was a covert operative. The subsequent media storm forces the small time journalists to make this admission fairly quickly. No evidence whatsoever if she's a spy or not. Nevertheless, people are pressing the White House because they have the motive for outing her and you can smell a cabinet aide's ass being marinated for the grill. Finally, the left nut of the administration confirms that an investigation is needed because Ms. Plame is in fact a CIA operative. The Justice Dept. has given the first evidence that Madame Plame=US Spy, and it has been the first voice that has not immediately retracted its claim of that. The current administration has publicly broken one of our nations greatest laws of loyalty national security. Here's a word that should poke a hole in the administration's patchy PR, traitors.

Putin dumps Kyoto protocol. Koizumi glad he didn't have to.

2003-10-01T14:55:00.000+09:00

President Putin refused on Monday to commit Russia to the Kyoto agreement, throwing its future into doubt. According to two guys who asked a bureaucrat, "to bring the agreement into force, the countries causing 55% of the world's greenhouse gas emissions have to sign up." Without Russia, the remaining participants won't be enough. The US and Australia have already dropped out, stating that they will enforce reductions only if they can meet the 55% requirement alone. Putin's fear of commitment effectively shattered the engagement, although Vlad hinted that things might be patched up if he were allowed to sign anti-environmental treaties. "At least I must be allowed look at them with other heads of state without [the EU] nagging me all the time about it," said the president after his initial speech in Moscow. Washington has repeatedly pressured the Russian to ditch the agreement so that he and Bush can go out carousing.
While some expect negotiations to continue, efforts to reunite the group are expected to fail. PM Koizumi expressed his doubts when he said, "Frankly, I was relieved to hear that Putin was breaking with us. I wanted out after Mr. Bush left, but the EU wanted so much to believe that it could work out. They named it after Kyoto to show how much they cared about us, meanwhile we were just going through the motions waiting for a time to break the news gently. When Europe called up weeping about Russia and how we should just call the whole thing off, I was afraid my voice sounded too happy. In the end, no one picked up on it, and things worked out perfectly."
Foreign ministry officials are looking forward to a barrage of new treaties with countries calling everyday to console Japan and comment on Russia's drinking, abuse, and frigid nature. "We can get with any international agreement we want to now. Maybe something like a land-mine treaty. Hell, we could get with NAFTA if we wanted to."

Basic Training Begins!

2003-09-30T16:16:00.000+09:00

A possible change to the Japanese constitution could allow the island nation to deploy troops for combat overseas. The current draft, imposed by the US occupation, condemns violent conflict as a tool of foreign policy. The change is being pushed by the US in hopes that the currently pacifistic Japan will share the burden of global peace-keeping.
Although the change has not yet been ratified, several firms with government contracts began training new recruits for the new situations they may see in the future. These may include peacekeeping, Defensive Urgent Pre-Emptive Strikes, and the protection of the countries manifest destiny to expand ever Westward.
Tokyo was embarrassed to see news of one training-op surface, where 380 plainclothed 'tourists' were apprehended gathering sensitive prostitution information. Several organizers were detained and questioned in Zhuhai, China.
"Logistics are going to be a major concern when operating in another country, and our boys have always relied on a sex trade system. After being out of the game for so long, military planners must be able to work with realworld data," said an active officer speaking anonymously.

In other news, prophylactic size restrictions have been lifted for Japanese servicemen. Soldiers may now purchase Magnum brand condoms through special vendors. However, a long-term, exclusive license has been granted for the once retired state-run brand, "Attack Soldier". Civilians will be able to choose between Chilly Willy and Pokemon brands.

Dyslexic plot confirmed

2003-09-26T16:00:00.000+09:00

As some may recall, Mr. X took journalism away from the wire service and out onto the streets recently to confront a foot soldier of the anti-spelling campaign. Tim Radford of the Guardian felt the need to one up me on this, trading in his independent view for an authoritative voice for his article. It reads just like any carefully crafted, political statement from the Dyslexia Institute. Martin Turner casually deflects allegations that the Institute is behind the rise in bad spelling, saying that he advocates good spelling for all.
By comparing readers of incorrecty spelled words to dyslexic readers, Turner hinted at the secretive organisations true motives. Once enough of the electorate has felt dyslexics' pain through countless internet chatroom screens, they will be able to push for all sorts of discriminationory legislation. Well, if I didn't let those mooching war widows get their reduced bus fare, I'm not sure as hell not going to let these cry-babies have it. And you can forget a national Don't Read 'Cause It Hurts People Who Can't day.

What's number one in the charts?

2003-09-26T11:22:00.000+09:00

Pop afficionado twins, and media spuds, Sid and Marty Sidmartinson have for the first time compiled a seperate listing for foreign language songs in this months charts. The Asahi Shinbun listing, which was not printed in its English version, included several tracks from Dr. Phonics' new album, "ABC Penmanship & Phonics". The sleeper hit, "The consonant digraph song" is expected to climb even higher next month from its current spot at #18. Dr. Phonics had this to say,
"C to H ga kutsuite,
Bakana uta ja naikane?
C to H ga ch ch ch,
C-H-I-M-E chime chime.

P to H ga kutsuite,
Kuraku wo mainichi toru.
P to H ga ph ph ph,
E-L-E-P-H-A-N-T elephant!

W to H, T to H, P to H
W-H-T-H-P-H blah, Wh-the ph-ck?!

Israeli pilots refuse to fly

2003-09-25T16:16:00.000+09:00

A group of 27 pilots in the Israeli airforce have declared their opposition to the bombing campaign that has killed dozens of civilians. A spokesman for the Israeli army would not divulge actual numbers but said that the 27 pilots were "a drop in the ocean" for the airforce.
Expert Raad Missmar speculates that while the military may have large numbers of pilots, the impact of the declaration may be large enough to put a stop to bombing operations. "It all depends on who these 27 men really are. Although they are described as a small group of retired and reserve pilots, it is precisely this kind of pilot that forms the base of the pillar that holds a protective roof over our heads... and the pillar is called piloting." Missmar points out that there are only 8 flight teams in America's Top Gun school, and that it remains possible that some of these 27 men are Israel's best of the best... or at least the wizened flight instructors responsible for babysitting them. If this is true, it may give pause to those who remember Top Gun, and how crucial every man was in protecting the United States against its imaginary fighter-pilot enemies.
One detractor, Brigadier General Ido Nehushtn, claims that who the men are is irrelevant, as, "we hardly need the best talent to bomb civilians. I mean, we bombed the hell out this master terrorist in a donkey cart a few months ago. I was going to call in the best, but who needs some prima donna flyboy in your face? There will always be a ton of people in the army who hate Islamic terrorists, and I'm sure everyone in the Middle East hates donkeys... Hell, people will be paying me for the chance to pull the trigger."
The Palestinian Authority warned that some militant groups, sensing weakness in Israel's air defenses may plan to engage bombers in tactical dogfights. President Bush commented that he was against terrorism in all its forms, and would regretfully support a pre-emptive strike if necessary to keep rogue groups from acquiring "any armament more sophistimicated than a rock."
In other news, 12 more killed by coalition forces in Iraq. A wedding party was sighted and fired upon as they gathered and threw rocks into the air. The traditional celebration was mistaken for the 'bad kind of agitation', such as political activism, which troops are under intense pressure to stamp out. The occupational administration is holding a private auction for the contract to remove all dangerous handheld rocks and stones from the ghetto areas of Baghdad.

Shinto Science

2003-09-25T10:19:00.000+09:00

Seeking to gain on economies of scale, Boston's Christian Science Monitor has opened a second office in Osaka. Whlie executives are still in the midst of choosing a name for the venture, the format and concept for the newspaper have been set.
Dr. Amita said recently in a public statement, "our view is that Japan is in need a fair and balanced voice in the media that isn't run by those hippies in Tokyo. Osaka is much better suited to our image as objective and spiritually minded." Dr. J "Bones" Christ is reported to have approved of the office selection, although he has not been openly overseeing the expansion. Preliminary plans to hype the paper center around the region's reputation for traditional religious values, ultra-nationalism, widespread alcohol dependance, and the 110 hour work week.
According to 180 year-old founder, Mary Eddy, CS Monitor exists as an independent alternative to the views of the New York World, which is evil and representative of the liberal bias in the media. Apparently, poor, hardworking old ladies favor conserative views, and it's the incredibly wealthy, unseen Jewish conspirateurs who have an interest in the spread of liberal ideals.
Critics of the expansion say that it has too few local management connections. "Christian scientists have overlooked key social dynamics. Neotraditionalists and Tokyophiles may be at odds, but this rarely affects people's perceptions of the media. Only input from local teams will be able to come up with a promising pitch for yet another right-wing outlet," said one Islamic scientist, speaking under condition of anonymity.

They're controlling our minds with flu shots, and now the Iraqis too.

2003-09-22T13:05:00.000+09:00

The United States, er, wait, the Iraqi Council of Repratriated Iraqi Americans has declared the country's markets open. Firms over the world, including Japan's Docomo Ltd. and transnational Vodafone have been invited to bid on virtually all of Iraq's newly freed people. Foreign firms will now be able to wholly own Iraqi citizens and repatriate the profits. The move has left many other journalists wondering how such a move to sell the nation can be pulled off without involving whips, chains, and GIs clad in leather codpieces. They also wonder why normally beloved mobile telecom firms would be willing to risk their reputations on what seems a risky endeavor. Meanwhile, our good buddy and inventor of the bottomless peanut bag, Number 6, has come forward to shed light on the technology that will make it all possible.
Flu shots, generally administered before Xmas, have been given out by aid workers throughout the country. As in the US, this will drive the people into a frenzy of shopping. Unfortunately for the Bush Administration, distributing the mind-control serum and selling licenses and firms in Iraq are only the first stages. For the plan to work, financial backing from UN members and small investors must provide the initial disposable income to begin the bubble of a modern consumer culture. Only when this is acheived will the need for costly brain-juice and international aid workers be eliminated. Mr. X encourages you to keep your money out of Iraq and let the Iraqis exchange things the old fashioned way American way, through violent conflict.

Madame Pink Predicts the End of Spelling!

2003-09-19T15:57:00.000+09:00

This investigator was quick to notice a crazed harlot skulking around a school district. When approached, the woman denied her insanity and instead purported to be THE pink girl. Remembering that many seemingly crazy people are actually clairvoyants who are overloaded with otherworldly stimuli, I brought her back to my van to record her story.
She was intent on passing on a message, one that has been received by others like her all around the boxcars and weigh-stations of the world. What follows may result in your brain finally proving how much smarter than you it is:

Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, olny taht the frist and lsat ltteres are at the rghit pcleas. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by ilstef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Yes... It seemed obvious that the dyslexic folk were making a push for the support. Wlel you can glbobe my kolbnbe you sdehihtas. In exchange for not reporting her, the pink girl read my palm. I am still shaken up. I thought that my new brain from Power Marketing had really given me the edge and explosiveness to put my best foot forward. However, those illusions fled quickly when she pulled my card, "the Oaf", the name by which I was oft derided and/or inserted into parable before my second return to the island.

All the muck that's fit to rake

2003-09-17T18:43:00.000+09:00

Top economists reported yesterday on the policy that may be to thank for Japan's impending recovery. "Only by convincing the market that the government will promote stability can investors be lured back. They seem to be achieving this through a combination of reform advertisement and a solid track record of a ten-year slump with no actual change in policy," says J. Stigurtsu. A representative of the Fed responded to the news of a slow recovery, saying, "the American financial system has always maintained strength through hypocrisy and inaction. With the EU and now the Japanese taking on this identical strategy, I may be looking for a job writing software in India soon."

Compatibility Woes

2003-09-11T07:44:00.000+09:00

I awoke on the train, several stops past my destination, confused as to why my internal alarm failed to go off. As it turns out, JR, in a monopolistic ploy to increase demand, has "upgraded" the Personal Train Happy Waking Service. As a result, my surgically implanted alarm clock can no longer connect to the train's GPS device. As has been the response to similar strategies from Microsoft, many are importing knock-off hardware. In a related bulletin, downloads of Dr. Hfuhruhurr's Do-It Yourself Brain Surgery FAQ have spiked this month. While the nationalist media ignores the issue, Mr. X will continue to investigate into whether it has received too much attention already.

Mr. X is Free!

2003-09-10T14:24:00.000+09:00

I have been missing for over almost 3 years, trapped on the psychedelic 70's prison informally known as 'the Island'. Well yours truly, Mr. X, is free again. I have been for over a year, and comfortably living in Japan. However, secretive quasi-governmental enemies in pursuit aren't going to stop me from exposing more secrets and getting another Pulitzer. Now that I've become accustomed to the ways of this island I finally have some scoops.
Full stories to follow as soon as I can round up enough animated gifs and midis for proper presentation. X-Sama will begin delivery of detailed truth as soon as that Tab I ordered on the computer arrives. In the meantime, here are 2 secrets kept from the Western World:

-Fluoride is deadly to Japanese people. They depend on the microorganisms that thrive on weak enameled teeth. That is why a Japanese child will die if he is exposed to floridated water for too long. Only if the child is old enough to have a couple of baby teeth in a jar to farm these creatures can they hope to survive. The secondary toxicity of fluoride has been tested at X-Sama Laboratories, but since we're not peer-reviewed, test the theory for yourself; Sharpen a toothbrush for maximum scientific precision and forcibly jab your test subject in the mouth. Oh, and make sure you use floridated toothpaste. We're testing the fluoride. Remind yourself and your lawyer that this is for science.

-Advanced small talk gene rare in Japan. Believing interesting but off topic chit chat to be dangerous to internal security, the Bakufu successfully bred humans and parrots to populate the country with intelligent able workers, who would be unable to gain independent social power through small talk. Although the program never achieved its goal of eliminating small talk it has made it possible for the parrot to engage in all forums of Japanese society. "Atsui ne. Atsui ne. Atsui ne."