Candy Cartogram!

Maps of the presidential election results by state and county, adjusted for population and electoral votes.

Rocky Mountain Republican

Rocky Mountain News link
Randal Wagner, a Colorado Republican, went out with his wife in the drivers' seat to steal a bunch of campaign signs. They were found by police after he fell face first onto the stolen sign and knocked himself out. He was issued a summons (ooooh!) and no action was taken against his wife, who was sitting with a pick-up full of signs from earlier in the night.

Remember the truth?

Remember the cold war? Remember how we 'beat' the commies? Remember how it all fell apart and they turned out to have destroyed their economy producing only a tenth of the military arsenal of the US? How they paraded the same tank division around Moscow, changing the insignia to make it look like they could afford lots of gear, all the while praying to Lenin that the crazy religious fanatics in the US wouldn't nuke them. You don't?

Well here is something you won't remember about the war on terror. Al Qaeda wasn't real. Sounds like BBC is gonna air a killer documentary, but of course all his info seems to have been obtainable for some time now.


Oh, and now asexual people are coming out too.

Who profits from war?

I think it's safe to say that president Bush thinks he is in the right. I wonder how he feels about his family's position, a position that allowed him to fail at all aspects of life, until he decided to run for public office. Read How Bush's grandfather helped Hitler's rise to power, and even if you haven't put together the pieces on George Bush Senior's business, you'll see a little of what supports Bush family power.

The cost of war

"Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired, signifies in the final sense a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed." President Dwight D. Eisenhower April 16, 1953

If you are interested in the cost of our actions in Iraq, visit http://www.costofwar.com/


Now even though you wouldn't like me when I'm angry, I can feel the inner economist in me getting out.

Spending on education, housing, welfare and foreign aid (non-military) never approaches defense spending. This has been true for a long time... way before jet fighters and tanks. Banks lend money because they get to mark up their assets (which they are lending, not selling) by over 300%. Governments spend the money on defense because it's the only thing we let them do. Businesses move into the defense market because it's the easiest way to make money disappear. Incidentally, we defended ourselves perfectly fine before the income tax.

Many a Libertarian and Republican would argue that the sole purpose of government is to defend from abroad and police within. They have latched onto the deep instinctual need for these services to justify their importance.
You could think of them as demagogues, leading the public by emotion. Concern, generosity and love come and go. Some people never feel them, while most citizens feel them fleetingly and fake it the rest of the time. Fear is always there and it always generates emotional responses.

Americans need to latch onto the one common desire amongst us. Greed. The only justification for supporting the government financially is domestic. If you don't think Americans should have free health care, free schools, or any free lunches, then stop paying taxes. If you think America should be well defended, buy a gun and defend it. Our nations' bankers stand behind the president as he sells us their loan. You don't have to say yes.

Foundations of Empire

I just had to spread this bit of sublime truth. Thank you Something Awful!

Substantial reward for an explanation of why car racing is patriotic.

No one wants to sit next to Bush

Everyone secure your beverage! He's got that sparkle in his eye.

The New York Times Can Suck An Egg

Surprise, surprise, violence in Iraq. The headline mentions, "scores dead." The New York Times, is just one of many newspapers that doesn't know an important story from stock quote.
Of course, in due news wire fashion, they are to include all the relevant facts:
"After the attack, [...] onlookers scaled the burning armored vehicle. Helicopters that flew in to protect the Bradley were then fired on from the ground and fired back, the military said in a statement, adding that the aircraft then destroyed the armored vehicle as well."
No mention of the onlookers who were on the vehicle. The Times even goes as far as to spread the military's pathetic excuses, saying that the helicopters,
"fired upon the anti-Iraqi forces and the Bradley, preventing the loss of sensitive equipment and weapons."
I, the layman, would have thought the way to avoid loss would be to recover the weapons. The human race has lost a great many loved ones. Turns out, we could have avoided all of that if we shot rockets at everything. Like the video game baddies who fall in a hailstorm of bullets and disintegrate, Bradley Armored Vehicles are designed to regenerate back at the base when exploded.

The people who print these stories are worse than branding execs who put, "may cause anal leakage" in small print on snack food packaging. When a spokesperson gives such an outrageously blind statement, it's any free speaker's duty to pull the ostrich's head out of the sand. If only these news spinning techniques existed back in the good war:
"Yesterday, our armed forces lost control of 2 Milton-Bradley^tm Nuclear devices over Japan. The president ordered the detonation of the devices, preventing the loss of the sensitive weapons. A popsticle stick house in Hiroshima was destroyed."

Mr. X becomes X-Squared!

Following a recent nuclear accident, 200 miles from Tokyo, I awoke this morning to discover that I have developed superpowers. The full extent of these powers is not yet known, however, many of my new abilities bear a resemblance to 'the force'. Scientologists advise me that my DNA may have mutated, no longer producing melanin, but hella-nin, which is hella-stronger. Another possibility is that my DNA was completely eradicated by the radiation, leaving my body free from the limits of humanity. In light of these new powers, Mr. X has been forced to create yet another alter-ego, Mr. X², who fights more directly for justice.

Domain Wars!

The previously isolated domain name, Spacewar.com, recently acquired Terrawar.com, in a bid to establish a new internet news empire. The domain has divided its vanquished foe into several puppet channels with names such as Military Space, Cyberwars, Missle News and Rayguns. Mr. X calls on journalists to expose this event for what it is, a bid for world domination... from space!

Despite their devious nature, the domain hosts some important space and war related information, as seen in this recent article; Stressed Israeli soldiers to be treated with cannabis

My Scene Sluts

To preface this entry, the word 'slut' is generally considered to be misogynistic, condemning women for behavior typically accepted among men. However, insofar as the term is helpful in describing an attitude towards promiscuity, Mr. X has found it helpful to use the term.

What kind of person identifies with the word, in spite of it's generally negative connotation? We checked Froogle for "slutty clothes" to see if the self-proclaimed slut has any distinctive apparel. The top link, frighteningly, was for My Scene Barbie Doll, Noree, selling at Amazon. Displayed on the page, are descriptions of the My Scene brand as trendy and fashionable. Numerous customers have left comments specifically denying the dolls' slutty nature, despite any explicit accusations of such, save for the link from Froogle.

Our conclusion on this linguistic matter; while the word 'slut' may be receeding from our common lexicon, the adjective, 'slutty' has become synonymous with trendy and fashionable. To quote a customer, "[trashy] clothes - this is the style today people-get with the times."

200 French Jews emigrate to Israel

Ever wonder why we have so many miscalculations in America?  Why is the word anarchist negative?  Why is everything good or bad?  Why do people picket abortion clinics when they could feed a starving child?  Why do they ban gay marriage when businessmen and lawyers have always been able to choose same-sex legal partners.  Maybe it has something to do with the Puritans.  Imagine a culture where half of your thoughts are forbidden, and the winners are always chosen by God, the losers always undeserving of Him.  imagine you have a job, for which you need a car, which you pay for using money from your job.  It works out that most people commute and work 3-5 hours a day to earn the automotive priviledge of working.  Scratch all that... if I blame it on the TV networks I'll have better links.

...maybe it has something to do with the TV.
The great thing is that while TV news specializes in delivering selective information in an entertaining and highly profitable way, they have used their talents to post this kind of news on the internet.  The great thing about this kind of news is either confirms your opinions or angers your sensibility.  One hardly ever pauses to consider the various merits of a TV news brief.  This leaves lots of brain capacity for absorbing advertising.  One such article by ABC news, which was clearly intended to anger me.  The only actual newsworthy note is that Sharon 'softened' his stance, saying now that Jews should to Israel, "not out of fear but because it is their homeland".  I'm sure that what he meant to say was that the incident that prompted his plea for French Jews to escape turned out to be a hoax.  Though I can understand why ABC news doesn't want this story reported in a thorough manner.  What if someone read the news and couldn't immediately label the major parties;  Protective Sharon, festive Jews, racist French, doo-doo head Chirac.
Even the independent media, while understanding the need for full coverage and reasoning, gets the point wrong.  People all over the world hate each other.  They are not born hating... they are not taught to hate by their fathers.  They hate because of a fundamental flaw in democratic capitalism: poverty.  Check the depression era, Weimar Republic Germany, arguably one of the most democratic (thus dangerous) governments ever.  Muslims don't hate Jews.  They just happen to be poor in areas where Jews do better.  Moving rich Europeans to a neighborhood where many Muslims have had their houses bulldozed won't decrease ethnic hatred.
Of course this is all one sided, and I've presented you, the reader with 3 options (only 1 better that the TV news).  What I have said can confirm your opinions, it can anger your sensibilities, or you could have stopped reading at the first paragraph and turned on the TV.

CIA foreign officials directory used mainly for inter-office gambling

It has come to light that the directory of Chiefs of State and Cabinet Members of Foreign Governments, maintained by the CIA, serves to announce results of an agency gambling ring.  Sources claim that agents and officials habitually place bets on who will be added and removed from the list, and by what means (election, coup, assassination, natural causes, "natural causes", etc.).  The decision to release the list outside the agency came only after Pentagon workers expressed interest in inter-agency wagers.  However, it's official purpose is listed as referential aid.  Congress has scheduled an investigation and hearing into misappropriations and illegal gambling for early November.
Several employees have stepped forward to testify against the agency in the last 15 days.  Prompted by the results of their gambling addiction, they have described how the use of the list encouraged miscommunication between offices and abuse of priviledged information by higher ups.
The Agency has so far denied the allegations and insisted on the legitimate purpose of the list.  Furthermore, plans are underway for another list entitled, "the Directory of CIA Employees & Close Relatives," but it is not yet decided whether the list will be publicly available.

I am not a number!

You may have noticed a small change around here. That's right, Mr. X has gone public! You'll notice how these entries are now signed DMB. While DMB is thankful for the human rights work that has made this announcement possible, we will continue to use "Mr. X" and "X Sama" in memory of days when yours truly could only afford to give 'the man' a single letter to track him by.

Mr. X's guide to not sounding like a moron

Stop, right now. I mean it. Stop talking about Israel and Palestine like you know what you are talking about. Stop pretending you cared enough to discover the truth and form a balanced opinion on the subject. We all do it. I'll be the first to admit that my sophistries have little to do with the facts. In fact, my specialty is piecing together bits of suggestive information in an intuitive way to give the illusion of depth, when, in fact, there is none.  The divide between us is that the web of my reasoning is so superficially deep (or is it deeply superficial?), that you can't dispel the illusion.  To help make your poor excuse for reasoning appear solid, we present "Mr. X's guide to not sounding like a moron when conversing drunkenly about the Middle East."
The first step is to realize that, although helpful, a brain upgrade is not required to sound intelligent.  You must simply learn to regurgitate facts as if you possessed understanding.  The easiest way is to connect your facts as though your mind were pursuing a logical chain of thoughts.  Then insert your opinion as though it were another fact falling soundly into place.  For example,

"The state of Israel was founded on May 15th, 1948, which was only 3 days after May 12th.  Both dates as well as 48 being divisible by 3, we can assign Israel a value of 333, the opposite of 666.  Thus, Arafat, and not Kofi Annan, is the devil... fact."

So go out there and arm yourselves with facts and soon you'll be pontificating with the best of them.  Now while there are real barriers to gaining facts on this conflict (the fact that those of us lucky enough to have a choice between Pokemon, Digimon, and Power Rangers are bored by history), there is a flash presentation that can help you avoid looking stupid. After all, while you may not care enough about the truth to discover it on your own, there are plenty of people who are waiting for the opportunity to publicly highlight your ignorance.

And I haven't forgotten you who may be disappointed that it is now harder to expose ignorance. I encourage you to write to Arthur Lenk, a legal adviser at Israel's ministry of foreign affairs for his gross mistake of assuming that his country has been trying to make peace for the last 50 years.

You can read Mr. Lenk's appraisal of Israeli courts as above the UN here. Be careful to note how he is "furious with the Palestinians for forcing us to put up a barrier near my town - instead of investment in education and healthcare and hi-tech." Surely, if he had received a better education, Mr. Lenk might appreciate how this attitude permits our investments to be squandered in the name of security. Surely, once it's precious security fence is complete, Israel will be able to sell off all those expensive weapons that, in focusing their damage on too specific a target, were ineffective in combating terror.

Journalists smuggle headlines to Mr. X

X Sama announces a new service, Uncensored XXX^TM, freely available, and offered to mainstream journalists. Mr. X will publish the original headlines of articles as well as notes on alterations made by corporate censors. We begin with three articles whose official versions mask the horrible truths uncovered.

Murdoch accused over TV news 'bias' :
Originally titled, "Why are we still accusing Murdoch of 'bias'?" The writer's conclusions that, "people who can't tell that FOX is biased are going to have a hard time reading this far anyway," were removed before publishing.


France accuses US of Aids blackmail :
Originally titled, "Alien and Sedition Acts' jurisdiction revoked in France".  The author's opiniated use of, "Damn straight," and, "Tell it Brother!" after quoting the French president, was removed in final editing.


CIA Chief Tells AP Osama Aware of Plots :
Originally titled, "CIA Chief Tells AP Osama Aware of Plots While Winking and Nudging Everyone in Pressroom"

How Donald Rumsfeld came to my rescue

Early this year, yours truly had a altercation with the Secret Police, ahem, I mean Service. Really it was a massive misunderstanding. Their intent was to have a pleasant 3 month conversation with me, and because we really didn't have much to say, we ended up speaking mostly through a wool sac, in between electroshock therapy. Then last week, Donald Rumsfeld came and had a heart 2 heart with me, and changed my life, by transfering me back to the prison facility at my old apartment.

Still on the road to recovery, Mr. X presents another writer's story of the NeoJesus

Schwarzenegger announces career change, Loan Shark

Newly elected governor Schwarzenegger warned that California must act to avert "bankruptcy" before the state's $14 billion in short term bonds must be repaid in June. The solution, a low interest consolidating bond of $15 billion. Interestingly, the governor proposes keeping taxes stable, increasing them only after he has left office and the interest payments have dwarfed any possible tax income.
Conservatives originally secured the support of the muscled celebrity after promising to restore his testicles to their boyhood glory, this reporter has heard.
Some have argued that the state of California should rely on the vast military might of the US, it's resilient people, and it's untouchable status as a public entity to resist creditors. Those few voices have been seemingly silenced by gubenatorial bill collector, Ahh-nold, who flexed knowingly at his latest address, as if to remind voters that resistance to the machine is futile.