Scientists say green tea, ginger prevent cancer, cause smoking.

The debate on the possible health benefits of being Japanese drew closer to a conclusion today, as scientists revealed preliminary results showing gingerol to be an effective tumor retardant. Adding to the wealth of data on the effects of green tea, the new study may end discussion on which is healthier:

tea, ginger root, tofu, and vegetables
or
corn bread, corn-syrup, and corn-fed beef.

Researchers also noted a remarked statistical correlation between green tea and ginger consumption and tobacco smoking. "Cautious Americans trying to reduce their cancer risk will wait until this link has been more thoroughly examined before farcically adopting the Japanese lifestyle," said Iman Hakim, a researcher at the University of Arizona Cancer Center. "Until we know which has the stronger effect, people should continue smoking through a hole in a sheet to avoid serious consequences."

Japan Pledges Additional Aid for Iraq

One of America's largest financial partners in the rebuilding of Iraq, Japan, has for a second time announced plans to supplement its aid package over the next 3 years. On top of a $1.5bn grant and $3.5bn in loans, it has proposed up to $4bn in export credits. This constitutes a promise to pay Japanese companies for exports to the SMAPless nation. However, there are some strings attached to the generous offer.
To address efficiency concerns, valid goods and services must be unattainable from other sources within 48bn nautical miles of Iraq. The list of goods approved by PM, Junichiro Koizumi, includes robotic spokesman/overlord, ASIMO (alias Paul Bremer); powdered versions of common medications (for bigger placebo effect); the low-selling compact MAZDA LaPuta; and prefabricated love hotels that will be rebranded and run as harems for the new urbanized Iraqi war survivor.
One 8th of the credit package will be set aside for dual citizens of America and Iraq under a provision for tourism spending in Japan. Qualifying passport holders will be given master keys and permission to loot vending machines nation-wide for a period of no more than 3 months.

Clinton Brokers Landmark AIDS Deal. AIDS for Everyone! Hooray!

Former president Clinton facilitated an international AIDS drug deal recently.  The WJ Clinton Presidential Foundation allows unnamed partnered drug companies in India and South Africa to "cut costs" enough to provide treatment for 40 cents a day (as opposed to $1.50). A spokesman for the Foundation explains:

"As we battled for a better way to get AIDS drugs to poorer patients, we could not overcome the problem of pricing. We did our research and concluded that there was a tremendous market for these drugs in poor countries. If we could only lower the cost of individual treatment to somewhere around 40-50% per capita GNP, we'd really be somewhere. We knew that we could vastly expand the market, and increase total profit if we could find a way to effectively price discriminate.
Unfortunately, price breaks for the poor are not as popular as for the elderly or normal sized children. Moreover, as that one episode of the Cosby Show illustrates, what is to keep a wealthy NYC doctor from posing as a destitute patient from Nigeria.
That's when someone got the idea from the ice cream market in Cuba. Wealthy US dollar spenders can purchase ice cream at a kiosk, while poorer peso holders purchase theirs at a nearby stand, at much lower prices. Thus price discrimination on the basis of currency, or better yet, nationality was discovered to be the best way to separate income groups."

Skeptics note that prices are still at cartel levels and that Clinton's showmanship and jazzy riffs are meant to distract the people from the fact that only four drug makers have been licensed, giving them an effective oligopoly. Others, including rock star Bono, objected, saying that if there is a showy distraction in the battle to make money off of AIDS, it is he.
Critics of the current administration cite the Clinton deal as evidence of Bush's outdated approach. "The problem with the monopolies that we give to drug companies is that the imposed high prices severely restricts the market. Profit margins are higher, but we are ripping off fewer people, and most of them are Americans. It takes a crafty Democrat to think of creating two protected markets for only one product," remarked Senator Lieberman.
"In the past two decades, we have seen easy financing and incessant marketing lead to amazing car ownership levels in the US, at more than one automobile per driver," Historian James Cocktoasten remarked on the spread of societal signifiers. "I doubt that people in the third world will look on AIDS lightly while treatment may cost almost half of one's earnings. Couple the lower price with pre-approved credit cards, and we'll see families rushing off to get their teenage sons and daughters AIDS, just to show the neighbors that they can afford to. This will be known as the day Bill Clinton gave the world AIDS."

You're going down down down, please don't take me with

Bulletin: US hegemony at an end. China to regulate new Time-Out sactions for American misbehavior.

There was big news this month at a meeting of POP (Parents O' the Powerful). Although closed, some secrets traded during the night's games and low-intensity activities found their way to the press through a naive young relative of South Korean president Roh Moo Hyun, Min Han. The child escorted his great aunt to the function.
Although George Bush and Martha Stewart were present at the function, the most startling news was not mentioned in the presence. However, when the still amorous couple departed to enjoy the many available pleasure palaces of Dubai, the aged POPsters were eager to discuss the news. Politicians and business leaders of the world have abandoned their loyalties to the once glorious empire of united states. Unexpectedly, the end of the hegemony did not happen as a result of an ideological or military confrontation. Instead, we have seen the world's investment capital and allegiance flee to regional strongholds, thus pitifully reducing the country's influence. It seems that there is, however, global coordination for the transition, with event calendars being distributed by wheelchair-bound mother Sofi Annan.
Chirac's mother, Etoilette said, "We must be strong and act together. Jacques says that if we do nothing, the Americans will bring us down with their debt, and if they suspect our plans, they may throw a tantrum before we can take away all his ICBMs." She continued to reminisce on how petit Jacques was the same way when he was young, always hoarding toys and collectibles, and going red with anger at the thought of other children having better ones. "One boy in kindergarden knew zis, and used it to taunt my petit. We had to take all his pins away, but after that time, my beau Jacques never let another boy control his anger."
Putin's father, Shoey Putin insisted that his story was better, and more relevant, seeing as how Vladamir was obsessed with impalings, vampirism, and his collection of Kalashnikovs. "You don't just take those away from a problem child without thinking it through first."

China's president, Hu Jintao voiced some concern over the leaking of his elders' gossip. He noted the possible grave consequences if America felt slighted while still operating an arsenal that dwarfs that of most responsible adults. "We have not seen much evidence that the Oval Office has much interaction with those who read, or that they are close to acquiring text-recognition technology, so the consensus has been to move forward with the plan." Observers are already hailing Mr. Hu's handling of Mr. Bush at a summit in Bangkok. "Oh that? He was nagging me again to revalue my currency because he broke his economy. I just reminded him that if it stayed weak, he could get eat all his meals at the Shanghai McDonald's on just half of his allowance. I was going to point out that my weak currency was keeping his native Happymeal toys cheap, but I figured he would appreciate more immediate rewards."

WARNING: Do not convey the contents of this report to any person(s) of the illiterati, lest they grow groanous, not unlike Frankenstein's monster, and proceed to push numerous launch buttons. This includes young children. If any member of the illiterati shows signs of developping reading skills, gouge their eyes out. You know who this includes.

Return Of The King!

It was revealed by sources in Conda-skeeza Rice's lingerie drawer that GW Bush's appreciation for the Tolkien classic goes far deeper than many analysts had thought. In early high school, a bullied and awkward Texan read the Return of the King, and decided that he would grow up to follow his favorite character, Aragorn, son of Arathorn around the world as a personal tailor. However, Bush's life took an equally drastic turn, once he realized that the book was published in the early 1900s and Aragorn was undoubtedly dead. The young president then decided that he would become the modern equivalent of the King of Gondor. Ever since that day, he has been unwavering in pursuit of this goal.

Let's compare.
Aragorn spent his youth as ranger, a skulking woodsman who stole chickens to survive. Bush spent his youth slinking by in the corporate world, relying on his father's name to survive.

Aragorn relied on Gangalf's legitimacy to reinsert himself in politics. After the wizard's rebirth, he also gained the legitimacy of religion. Bush relied heavily on his father, and old man Cheney for credibility. To gain widespread religious brand name recognition, he became a born-again Christian.

Aragorn crowns himself king after a series of defensive wars within a great war. He accomplishes this easily, considering the power vacuum caused by his coincidental involvement that led to the suicide of the steward of Gondor, as well as the prior demise of his oldest son, Boromir. Bush crowned himself president after a shouting match with Gore, which ended with the Dems and the Supreme Court backing down to the side we all know the military will follow. He hopes that after a series of wars against terrorism (oddly little defense involved) the people will crown him president. And if not, the heads of Saddam's sons are warning enough.

Ms. Rice was heard mentioning how excited the president was for the release of the new film version of his favorite novella. She also reportedly told a friend to obfuscate a bill being introduced by Senator Orrin Hatch that would make Texas a special territory, conferring on the presidency the title of King. The senator did not want George to learn of the bill through the media before he could surprise him with it on the day of the premiere.

Call a plumber, the White House is flooding!

It's times like this that make me wonder if Stephen Hawking has finally perfected his device that turns human minds into sub-processors for his AIBO. I am speaking of the accusations of improprieties at the White House. Which ones, you ask? Let me bring you up to speed.
"Asshat" Novak and others receive information regarding one of Bush's political enemies. The articles that are printed refer to the enemies' wife, Ms. Plame, as a CIA operative, which would be priviledged information protected by federal law. The journalists later insist that they believed she held a role as an analyst and did not mean to say that she was a secret agent. Of course, everyone wants to know who leaked the information.
Meanwhile, back at the Bush Cave, the administration refuses calls for an independent investigation, directing their critics to the Justice Department. They of course insist that an investigation has been opened regarding the leak, since it is a federal offense. It is a federal offense to out a secret CIA operative. It is not an offense to talk about a CIA analyst or to have your words poorly phrased by a journalist. For just a second, you can almost see the fake expressions of the Washintonians falter.
Let me recap. First we had a bunch of journalists receive anonymous information about a woman's job at the CIA, which they claim to have misprinted, implying that she was a covert operative. The subsequent media storm forces the small time journalists to make this admission fairly quickly. No evidence whatsoever if she's a spy or not. Nevertheless, people are pressing the White House because they have the motive for outing her and you can smell a cabinet aide's ass being marinated for the grill. Finally, the left nut of the administration confirms that an investigation is needed because Ms. Plame is in fact a CIA operative. The Justice Dept. has given the first evidence that Madame Plame=US Spy, and it has been the first voice that has not immediately retracted its claim of that. The current administration has publicly broken one of our nations greatest laws of loyalty national security. Here's a word that should poke a hole in the administration's patchy PR, traitors.

Putin dumps Kyoto protocol. Koizumi glad he didn't have to.

President Putin refused on Monday to commit Russia to the Kyoto agreement, throwing its future into doubt. According to two guys who asked a bureaucrat, "to bring the agreement into force, the countries causing 55% of the world's greenhouse gas emissions have to sign up." Without Russia, the remaining participants won't be enough. The US and Australia have already dropped out, stating that they will enforce reductions only if they can meet the 55% requirement alone. Putin's fear of commitment effectively shattered the engagement, although Vlad hinted that things might be patched up if he were allowed to sign anti-environmental treaties. "At least I must be allowed look at them with other heads of state without [the EU] nagging me all the time about it," said the president after his initial speech in Moscow. Washington has repeatedly pressured the Russian to ditch the agreement so that he and Bush can go out carousing.
While some expect negotiations to continue, efforts to reunite the group are expected to fail. PM Koizumi expressed his doubts when he said, "Frankly, I was relieved to hear that Putin was breaking with us. I wanted out after Mr. Bush left, but the EU wanted so much to believe that it could work out. They named it after Kyoto to show how much they cared about us, meanwhile we were just going through the motions waiting for a time to break the news gently. When Europe called up weeping about Russia and how we should just call the whole thing off, I was afraid my voice sounded too happy. In the end, no one picked up on it, and things worked out perfectly."
Foreign ministry officials are looking forward to a barrage of new treaties with countries calling everyday to console Japan and comment on Russia's drinking, abuse, and frigid nature. "We can get with any international agreement we want to now. Maybe something like a land-mine treaty. Hell, we could get with NAFTA if we wanted to."