You're going down down down, please don't take me with

Bulletin: US hegemony at an end. China to regulate new Time-Out sactions for American misbehavior.

There was big news this month at a meeting of POP (Parents O' the Powerful). Although closed, some secrets traded during the night's games and low-intensity activities found their way to the press through a naive young relative of South Korean president Roh Moo Hyun, Min Han. The child escorted his great aunt to the function.
Although George Bush and Martha Stewart were present at the function, the most startling news was not mentioned in the presence. However, when the still amorous couple departed to enjoy the many available pleasure palaces of Dubai, the aged POPsters were eager to discuss the news. Politicians and business leaders of the world have abandoned their loyalties to the once glorious empire of united states. Unexpectedly, the end of the hegemony did not happen as a result of an ideological or military confrontation. Instead, we have seen the world's investment capital and allegiance flee to regional strongholds, thus pitifully reducing the country's influence. It seems that there is, however, global coordination for the transition, with event calendars being distributed by wheelchair-bound mother Sofi Annan.
Chirac's mother, Etoilette said, "We must be strong and act together. Jacques says that if we do nothing, the Americans will bring us down with their debt, and if they suspect our plans, they may throw a tantrum before we can take away all his ICBMs." She continued to reminisce on how petit Jacques was the same way when he was young, always hoarding toys and collectibles, and going red with anger at the thought of other children having better ones. "One boy in kindergarden knew zis, and used it to taunt my petit. We had to take all his pins away, but after that time, my beau Jacques never let another boy control his anger."
Putin's father, Shoey Putin insisted that his story was better, and more relevant, seeing as how Vladamir was obsessed with impalings, vampirism, and his collection of Kalashnikovs. "You don't just take those away from a problem child without thinking it through first."

China's president, Hu Jintao voiced some concern over the leaking of his elders' gossip. He noted the possible grave consequences if America felt slighted while still operating an arsenal that dwarfs that of most responsible adults. "We have not seen much evidence that the Oval Office has much interaction with those who read, or that they are close to acquiring text-recognition technology, so the consensus has been to move forward with the plan." Observers are already hailing Mr. Hu's handling of Mr. Bush at a summit in Bangkok. "Oh that? He was nagging me again to revalue my currency because he broke his economy. I just reminded him that if it stayed weak, he could get eat all his meals at the Shanghai McDonald's on just half of his allowance. I was going to point out that my weak currency was keeping his native Happymeal toys cheap, but I figured he would appreciate more immediate rewards."

WARNING: Do not convey the contents of this report to any person(s) of the illiterati, lest they grow groanous, not unlike Frankenstein's monster, and proceed to push numerous launch buttons. This includes young children. If any member of the illiterati shows signs of developping reading skills, gouge their eyes out. You know who this includes.