Operation naming mishaps clarified

Amid name comparisons between the current anti-partisan slaughter in Iraq and a half-century old Nazi operation, Pentagon officials have released a statement explaining the coincidence.
"The name, Iron Hammer, was chosen because of the "Old Ironsides" nickname of the 1st Armored Division. We wanted to inspire the men and women of that division most of all, to move past their defensive identity. Creating a new purpose for those soldiers, that of metaphorically becoming an iron bludgeon with which our nation can shatter the skulls of soft, impure Iraqis. There is a process involved in name choosing, that failed to catch the insensitive Nazi connection, for which we have relieved 52 newly hired senior administrators, and for which we now apologize. Further engagements in Iraq will be referred to as under Operation Iron Cranial Drill, to emphasize our troops' goal of forcibly extracting intelligence information by whatever means necessary."

Foot-in-mouth disease has plagued the branding office of the Pentagon since the beginning of the crusade. 'After it declared war on terrorism, U.S. officials changed the code name for its impending attack on Afghanistan to Operation Enduring Freedom.

The original name, Operation Infinite Justice, was jettisoned amid fears that the Muslim world, already leery of U.S. intentions, would object on the basis of Koranic teachings that only God can provide infinite justice, as opposed to Christians, who understand that "infinite justice" was not meant to be infinite as God's retribution on man, but code for testicular electrocution.

New quantum marketing allows movie to exist in paradoxical dual-state disappointing, record-breaking

Accounting scientists found that opening weekend ticket sales of Matrix Revolucionarios were only 45% of spring's Matrix Reloaded's take, showing how disappointed consumers have become with the production and marketing of blockbuster trilogies. Independently, Dr. Grove measured the release to have been the largest worldwide opening in movie history.
Marketing executives have been quietly celebrating the technological breakthrough. The discovery has been reported as accidental, and experts are cautious to apply the technique to other types of products. However, the dramatic effect of quantum marketing is sure to signal a boom for the industry. While many campaigns in the past have effectively sold shit, this is the first time sales figures have provably observed a product in simultaneous states of shittiness and profitability.

Daddy, why won't you give me a media empire?

Sources close to the White House cited family troubles at an Alabama businessmen's kabbal as the reason for the president's delay. Having been briefed earlier in the day on James Murdoch's appointment as chief executive of BSkyB, the president rang his father on the phone to demand answers and beg for a media empire of his own.
George Bush Senior reportedly retorted that his son was a quitter who never finished anything in his life, and that he had already given his son more than he could chew. "The president then called for privacy when his father began chanting, 'daddy's boy', over and over," said chief aide Buckwheat.
The president later reappeared to announce that "sticks, stones, and heat-seeking missiles may break Iraq's new policemen's bones, but America will never stop throwing money at them."
Like Osama Bin Laden before him, James Murdoch has been warned by friends to beware of the president's envy, and to avoid bunkers and caves for the time being.