Operation naming mishaps clarified

Amid name comparisons between the current anti-partisan slaughter in Iraq and a half-century old Nazi operation, Pentagon officials have released a statement explaining the coincidence.
"The name, Iron Hammer, was chosen because of the "Old Ironsides" nickname of the 1st Armored Division. We wanted to inspire the men and women of that division most of all, to move past their defensive identity. Creating a new purpose for those soldiers, that of metaphorically becoming an iron bludgeon with which our nation can shatter the skulls of soft, impure Iraqis. There is a process involved in name choosing, that failed to catch the insensitive Nazi connection, for which we have relieved 52 newly hired senior administrators, and for which we now apologize. Further engagements in Iraq will be referred to as under Operation Iron Cranial Drill, to emphasize our troops' goal of forcibly extracting intelligence information by whatever means necessary."

Foot-in-mouth disease has plagued the branding office of the Pentagon since the beginning of the crusade. 'After it declared war on terrorism, U.S. officials changed the code name for its impending attack on Afghanistan to Operation Enduring Freedom.

The original name, Operation Infinite Justice, was jettisoned amid fears that the Muslim world, already leery of U.S. intentions, would object on the basis of Koranic teachings that only God can provide infinite justice, as opposed to Christians, who understand that "infinite justice" was not meant to be infinite as God's retribution on man, but code for testicular electrocution.

New quantum marketing allows movie to exist in paradoxical dual-state disappointing, record-breaking

Accounting scientists found that opening weekend ticket sales of Matrix Revolucionarios were only 45% of spring's Matrix Reloaded's take, showing how disappointed consumers have become with the production and marketing of blockbuster trilogies. Independently, Dr. Grove measured the release to have been the largest worldwide opening in movie history.
Marketing executives have been quietly celebrating the technological breakthrough. The discovery has been reported as accidental, and experts are cautious to apply the technique to other types of products. However, the dramatic effect of quantum marketing is sure to signal a boom for the industry. While many campaigns in the past have effectively sold shit, this is the first time sales figures have provably observed a product in simultaneous states of shittiness and profitability.

Daddy, why won't you give me a media empire?

Sources close to the White House cited family troubles at an Alabama businessmen's kabbal as the reason for the president's delay. Having been briefed earlier in the day on James Murdoch's appointment as chief executive of BSkyB, the president rang his father on the phone to demand answers and beg for a media empire of his own.
George Bush Senior reportedly retorted that his son was a quitter who never finished anything in his life, and that he had already given his son more than he could chew. "The president then called for privacy when his father began chanting, 'daddy's boy', over and over," said chief aide Buckwheat.
The president later reappeared to announce that "sticks, stones, and heat-seeking missiles may break Iraq's new policemen's bones, but America will never stop throwing money at them."
Like Osama Bin Laden before him, James Murdoch has been warned by friends to beware of the president's envy, and to avoid bunkers and caves for the time being.

Scientists say green tea, ginger prevent cancer, cause smoking.

The debate on the possible health benefits of being Japanese drew closer to a conclusion today, as scientists revealed preliminary results showing gingerol to be an effective tumor retardant. Adding to the wealth of data on the effects of green tea, the new study may end discussion on which is healthier:

tea, ginger root, tofu, and vegetables
or
corn bread, corn-syrup, and corn-fed beef.

Researchers also noted a remarked statistical correlation between green tea and ginger consumption and tobacco smoking. "Cautious Americans trying to reduce their cancer risk will wait until this link has been more thoroughly examined before farcically adopting the Japanese lifestyle," said Iman Hakim, a researcher at the University of Arizona Cancer Center. "Until we know which has the stronger effect, people should continue smoking through a hole in a sheet to avoid serious consequences."

Japan Pledges Additional Aid for Iraq

One of America's largest financial partners in the rebuilding of Iraq, Japan, has for a second time announced plans to supplement its aid package over the next 3 years. On top of a $1.5bn grant and $3.5bn in loans, it has proposed up to $4bn in export credits. This constitutes a promise to pay Japanese companies for exports to the SMAPless nation. However, there are some strings attached to the generous offer.
To address efficiency concerns, valid goods and services must be unattainable from other sources within 48bn nautical miles of Iraq. The list of goods approved by PM, Junichiro Koizumi, includes robotic spokesman/overlord, ASIMO (alias Paul Bremer); powdered versions of common medications (for bigger placebo effect); the low-selling compact MAZDA LaPuta; and prefabricated love hotels that will be rebranded and run as harems for the new urbanized Iraqi war survivor.
One 8th of the credit package will be set aside for dual citizens of America and Iraq under a provision for tourism spending in Japan. Qualifying passport holders will be given master keys and permission to loot vending machines nation-wide for a period of no more than 3 months.

Clinton Brokers Landmark AIDS Deal. AIDS for Everyone! Hooray!

Former president Clinton facilitated an international AIDS drug deal recently.  The WJ Clinton Presidential Foundation allows unnamed partnered drug companies in India and South Africa to "cut costs" enough to provide treatment for 40 cents a day (as opposed to $1.50). A spokesman for the Foundation explains:

"As we battled for a better way to get AIDS drugs to poorer patients, we could not overcome the problem of pricing. We did our research and concluded that there was a tremendous market for these drugs in poor countries. If we could only lower the cost of individual treatment to somewhere around 40-50% per capita GNP, we'd really be somewhere. We knew that we could vastly expand the market, and increase total profit if we could find a way to effectively price discriminate.
Unfortunately, price breaks for the poor are not as popular as for the elderly or normal sized children. Moreover, as that one episode of the Cosby Show illustrates, what is to keep a wealthy NYC doctor from posing as a destitute patient from Nigeria.
That's when someone got the idea from the ice cream market in Cuba. Wealthy US dollar spenders can purchase ice cream at a kiosk, while poorer peso holders purchase theirs at a nearby stand, at much lower prices. Thus price discrimination on the basis of currency, or better yet, nationality was discovered to be the best way to separate income groups."

Skeptics note that prices are still at cartel levels and that Clinton's showmanship and jazzy riffs are meant to distract the people from the fact that only four drug makers have been licensed, giving them an effective oligopoly. Others, including rock star Bono, objected, saying that if there is a showy distraction in the battle to make money off of AIDS, it is he.
Critics of the current administration cite the Clinton deal as evidence of Bush's outdated approach. "The problem with the monopolies that we give to drug companies is that the imposed high prices severely restricts the market. Profit margins are higher, but we are ripping off fewer people, and most of them are Americans. It takes a crafty Democrat to think of creating two protected markets for only one product," remarked Senator Lieberman.
"In the past two decades, we have seen easy financing and incessant marketing lead to amazing car ownership levels in the US, at more than one automobile per driver," Historian James Cocktoasten remarked on the spread of societal signifiers. "I doubt that people in the third world will look on AIDS lightly while treatment may cost almost half of one's earnings. Couple the lower price with pre-approved credit cards, and we'll see families rushing off to get their teenage sons and daughters AIDS, just to show the neighbors that they can afford to. This will be known as the day Bill Clinton gave the world AIDS."

You're going down down down, please don't take me with

Bulletin: US hegemony at an end. China to regulate new Time-Out sactions for American misbehavior.

There was big news this month at a meeting of POP (Parents O' the Powerful). Although closed, some secrets traded during the night's games and low-intensity activities found their way to the press through a naive young relative of South Korean president Roh Moo Hyun, Min Han. The child escorted his great aunt to the function.
Although George Bush and Martha Stewart were present at the function, the most startling news was not mentioned in the presence. However, when the still amorous couple departed to enjoy the many available pleasure palaces of Dubai, the aged POPsters were eager to discuss the news. Politicians and business leaders of the world have abandoned their loyalties to the once glorious empire of united states. Unexpectedly, the end of the hegemony did not happen as a result of an ideological or military confrontation. Instead, we have seen the world's investment capital and allegiance flee to regional strongholds, thus pitifully reducing the country's influence. It seems that there is, however, global coordination for the transition, with event calendars being distributed by wheelchair-bound mother Sofi Annan.
Chirac's mother, Etoilette said, "We must be strong and act together. Jacques says that if we do nothing, the Americans will bring us down with their debt, and if they suspect our plans, they may throw a tantrum before we can take away all his ICBMs." She continued to reminisce on how petit Jacques was the same way when he was young, always hoarding toys and collectibles, and going red with anger at the thought of other children having better ones. "One boy in kindergarden knew zis, and used it to taunt my petit. We had to take all his pins away, but after that time, my beau Jacques never let another boy control his anger."
Putin's father, Shoey Putin insisted that his story was better, and more relevant, seeing as how Vladamir was obsessed with impalings, vampirism, and his collection of Kalashnikovs. "You don't just take those away from a problem child without thinking it through first."

China's president, Hu Jintao voiced some concern over the leaking of his elders' gossip. He noted the possible grave consequences if America felt slighted while still operating an arsenal that dwarfs that of most responsible adults. "We have not seen much evidence that the Oval Office has much interaction with those who read, or that they are close to acquiring text-recognition technology, so the consensus has been to move forward with the plan." Observers are already hailing Mr. Hu's handling of Mr. Bush at a summit in Bangkok. "Oh that? He was nagging me again to revalue my currency because he broke his economy. I just reminded him that if it stayed weak, he could get eat all his meals at the Shanghai McDonald's on just half of his allowance. I was going to point out that my weak currency was keeping his native Happymeal toys cheap, but I figured he would appreciate more immediate rewards."

WARNING: Do not convey the contents of this report to any person(s) of the illiterati, lest they grow groanous, not unlike Frankenstein's monster, and proceed to push numerous launch buttons. This includes young children. If any member of the illiterati shows signs of developping reading skills, gouge their eyes out. You know who this includes.

Return Of The King!

It was revealed by sources in Conda-skeeza Rice's lingerie drawer that GW Bush's appreciation for the Tolkien classic goes far deeper than many analysts had thought. In early high school, a bullied and awkward Texan read the Return of the King, and decided that he would grow up to follow his favorite character, Aragorn, son of Arathorn around the world as a personal tailor. However, Bush's life took an equally drastic turn, once he realized that the book was published in the early 1900s and Aragorn was undoubtedly dead. The young president then decided that he would become the modern equivalent of the King of Gondor. Ever since that day, he has been unwavering in pursuit of this goal.

Let's compare.
Aragorn spent his youth as ranger, a skulking woodsman who stole chickens to survive. Bush spent his youth slinking by in the corporate world, relying on his father's name to survive.

Aragorn relied on Gangalf's legitimacy to reinsert himself in politics. After the wizard's rebirth, he also gained the legitimacy of religion. Bush relied heavily on his father, and old man Cheney for credibility. To gain widespread religious brand name recognition, he became a born-again Christian.

Aragorn crowns himself king after a series of defensive wars within a great war. He accomplishes this easily, considering the power vacuum caused by his coincidental involvement that led to the suicide of the steward of Gondor, as well as the prior demise of his oldest son, Boromir. Bush crowned himself president after a shouting match with Gore, which ended with the Dems and the Supreme Court backing down to the side we all know the military will follow. He hopes that after a series of wars against terrorism (oddly little defense involved) the people will crown him president. And if not, the heads of Saddam's sons are warning enough.

Ms. Rice was heard mentioning how excited the president was for the release of the new film version of his favorite novella. She also reportedly told a friend to obfuscate a bill being introduced by Senator Orrin Hatch that would make Texas a special territory, conferring on the presidency the title of King. The senator did not want George to learn of the bill through the media before he could surprise him with it on the day of the premiere.