Basic Training Begins!

A possible change to the Japanese constitution could allow the island nation to deploy troops for combat overseas. The current draft, imposed by the US occupation, condemns violent conflict as a tool of foreign policy. The change is being pushed by the US in hopes that the currently pacifistic Japan will share the burden of global peace-keeping.
Although the change has not yet been ratified, several firms with government contracts began training new recruits for the new situations they may see in the future. These may include peacekeeping, Defensive Urgent Pre-Emptive Strikes, and the protection of the countries manifest destiny to expand ever Westward.
Tokyo was embarrassed to see news of one training-op surface, where 380 plainclothed 'tourists' were apprehended gathering sensitive prostitution information. Several organizers were detained and questioned in Zhuhai, China.
"Logistics are going to be a major concern when operating in another country, and our boys have always relied on a sex trade system. After being out of the game for so long, military planners must be able to work with realworld data," said an active officer speaking anonymously.

In other news, prophylactic size restrictions have been lifted for Japanese servicemen. Soldiers may now purchase Magnum brand condoms through special vendors. However, a long-term, exclusive license has been granted for the once retired state-run brand, "Attack Soldier". Civilians will be able to choose between Chilly Willy and Pokemon brands.

Dyslexic plot confirmed

As some may recall, Mr. X took journalism away from the wire service and out onto the streets recently to confront a foot soldier of the anti-spelling campaign. Tim Radford of the Guardian felt the need to one up me on this, trading in his independent view for an authoritative voice for his article. It reads just like any carefully crafted, political statement from the Dyslexia Institute. Martin Turner casually deflects allegations that the Institute is behind the rise in bad spelling, saying that he advocates good spelling for all.
By comparing readers of incorrecty spelled words to dyslexic readers, Turner hinted at the secretive organisations true motives. Once enough of the electorate has felt dyslexics' pain through countless internet chatroom screens, they will be able to push for all sorts of discriminationory legislation. Well, if I didn't let those mooching war widows get their reduced bus fare, I'm not sure as hell not going to let these cry-babies have it. And you can forget a national Don't Read 'Cause It Hurts People Who Can't day.

What's number one in the charts?

Pop afficionado twins, and media spuds, Sid and Marty Sidmartinson have for the first time compiled a seperate listing for foreign language songs in this months charts. The Asahi Shinbun listing, which was not printed in its English version, included several tracks from Dr. Phonics' new album, "ABC Penmanship & Phonics". The sleeper hit, "The consonant digraph song" is expected to climb even higher next month from its current spot at #18. Dr. Phonics had this to say,
"C to H ga kutsuite,
Bakana uta ja naikane?
C to H ga ch ch ch,
C-H-I-M-E chime chime.

P to H ga kutsuite,
Kuraku wo mainichi toru.
P to H ga ph ph ph,
E-L-E-P-H-A-N-T elephant!

W to H, T to H, P to H
W-H-T-H-P-H blah, Wh-the ph-ck?!

Israeli pilots refuse to fly

A group of 27 pilots in the Israeli airforce have declared their opposition to the bombing campaign that has killed dozens of civilians. A spokesman for the Israeli army would not divulge actual numbers but said that the 27 pilots were "a drop in the ocean" for the airforce.
Expert Raad Missmar speculates that while the military may have large numbers of pilots, the impact of the declaration may be large enough to put a stop to bombing operations. "It all depends on who these 27 men really are. Although they are described as a small group of retired and reserve pilots, it is precisely this kind of pilot that forms the base of the pillar that holds a protective roof over our heads... and the pillar is called piloting." Missmar points out that there are only 8 flight teams in America's Top Gun school, and that it remains possible that some of these 27 men are Israel's best of the best... or at least the wizened flight instructors responsible for babysitting them. If this is true, it may give pause to those who remember Top Gun, and how crucial every man was in protecting the United States against its imaginary fighter-pilot enemies.
One detractor, Brigadier General Ido Nehushtn, claims that who the men are is irrelevant, as, "we hardly need the best talent to bomb civilians. I mean, we bombed the hell out this master terrorist in a donkey cart a few months ago. I was going to call in the best, but who needs some prima donna flyboy in your face? There will always be a ton of people in the army who hate Islamic terrorists, and I'm sure everyone in the Middle East hates donkeys... Hell, people will be paying me for the chance to pull the trigger."
The Palestinian Authority warned that some militant groups, sensing weakness in Israel's air defenses may plan to engage bombers in tactical dogfights. President Bush commented that he was against terrorism in all its forms, and would regretfully support a pre-emptive strike if necessary to keep rogue groups from acquiring "any armament more sophistimicated than a rock."
In other news, 12 more killed by coalition forces in Iraq. A wedding party was sighted and fired upon as they gathered and threw rocks into the air. The traditional celebration was mistaken for the 'bad kind of agitation', such as political activism, which troops are under intense pressure to stamp out. The occupational administration is holding a private auction for the contract to remove all dangerous handheld rocks and stones from the ghetto areas of Baghdad.

Shinto Science

Seeking to gain on economies of scale, Boston's Christian Science Monitor has opened a second office in Osaka. Whlie executives are still in the midst of choosing a name for the venture, the format and concept for the newspaper have been set.
Dr. Amita said recently in a public statement, "our view is that Japan is in need a fair and balanced voice in the media that isn't run by those hippies in Tokyo. Osaka is much better suited to our image as objective and spiritually minded." Dr. J "Bones" Christ is reported to have approved of the office selection, although he has not been openly overseeing the expansion. Preliminary plans to hype the paper center around the region's reputation for traditional religious values, ultra-nationalism, widespread alcohol dependance, and the 110 hour work week.
According to 180 year-old founder, Mary Eddy, CS Monitor exists as an independent alternative to the views of the New York World, which is evil and representative of the liberal bias in the media. Apparently, poor, hardworking old ladies favor conserative views, and it's the incredibly wealthy, unseen Jewish conspirateurs who have an interest in the spread of liberal ideals.
Critics of the expansion say that it has too few local management connections. "Christian scientists have overlooked key social dynamics. Neotraditionalists and Tokyophiles may be at odds, but this rarely affects people's perceptions of the media. Only input from local teams will be able to come up with a promising pitch for yet another right-wing outlet," said one Islamic scientist, speaking under condition of anonymity.

They're controlling our minds with flu shots, and now the Iraqis too.

The United States, er, wait, the Iraqi Council of Repratriated Iraqi Americans has declared the country's markets open. Firms over the world, including Japan's Docomo Ltd. and transnational Vodafone have been invited to bid on virtually all of Iraq's newly freed people. Foreign firms will now be able to wholly own Iraqi citizens and repatriate the profits. The move has left many other journalists wondering how such a move to sell the nation can be pulled off without involving whips, chains, and GIs clad in leather codpieces. They also wonder why normally beloved mobile telecom firms would be willing to risk their reputations on what seems a risky endeavor. Meanwhile, our good buddy and inventor of the bottomless peanut bag, Number 6, has come forward to shed light on the technology that will make it all possible.
Flu shots, generally administered before Xmas, have been given out by aid workers throughout the country. As in the US, this will drive the people into a frenzy of shopping. Unfortunately for the Bush Administration, distributing the mind-control serum and selling licenses and firms in Iraq are only the first stages. For the plan to work, financial backing from UN members and small investors must provide the initial disposable income to begin the bubble of a modern consumer culture. Only when this is acheived will the need for costly brain-juice and international aid workers be eliminated. Mr. X encourages you to keep your money out of Iraq and let the Iraqis exchange things the old fashioned way American way, through violent conflict.

Madame Pink Predicts the End of Spelling!

This investigator was quick to notice a crazed harlot skulking around a school district. When approached, the woman denied her insanity and instead purported to be THE pink girl. Remembering that many seemingly crazy people are actually clairvoyants who are overloaded with otherworldly stimuli, I brought her back to my van to record her story.
She was intent on passing on a message, one that has been received by others like her all around the boxcars and weigh-stations of the world. What follows may result in your brain finally proving how much smarter than you it is:

Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, olny taht the frist and lsat ltteres are at the rghit pcleas. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by ilstef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Yes... It seemed obvious that the dyslexic folk were making a push for the support. Wlel you can glbobe my kolbnbe you sdehihtas. In exchange for not reporting her, the pink girl read my palm. I am still shaken up. I thought that my new brain from Power Marketing had really given me the edge and explosiveness to put my best foot forward. However, those illusions fled quickly when she pulled my card, "the Oaf", the name by which I was oft derided and/or inserted into parable before my second return to the island.

All the muck that's fit to rake

Top economists reported yesterday on the policy that may be to thank for Japan's impending recovery. "Only by convincing the market that the government will promote stability can investors be lured back. They seem to be achieving this through a combination of reform advertisement and a solid track record of a ten-year slump with no actual change in policy," says J. Stigurtsu. A representative of the Fed responded to the news of a slow recovery, saying, "the American financial system has always maintained strength through hypocrisy and inaction. With the EU and now the Japanese taking on this identical strategy, I may be looking for a job writing software in India soon."

Compatibility Woes

I awoke on the train, several stops past my destination, confused as to why my internal alarm failed to go off. As it turns out, JR, in a monopolistic ploy to increase demand, has "upgraded" the Personal Train Happy Waking Service. As a result, my surgically implanted alarm clock can no longer connect to the train's GPS device. As has been the response to similar strategies from Microsoft, many are importing knock-off hardware. In a related bulletin, downloads of Dr. Hfuhruhurr's Do-It Yourself Brain Surgery FAQ have spiked this month. While the nationalist media ignores the issue, Mr. X will continue to investigate into whether it has received too much attention already.

Mr. X is Free!

I have been missing for over almost 3 years, trapped on the psychedelic 70's prison informally known as 'the Island'. Well yours truly, Mr. X, is free again. I have been for over a year, and comfortably living in Japan. However, secretive quasi-governmental enemies in pursuit aren't going to stop me from exposing more secrets and getting another Pulitzer. Now that I've become accustomed to the ways of this island I finally have some scoops.
Full stories to follow as soon as I can round up enough animated gifs and midis for proper presentation. X-Sama will begin delivery of detailed truth as soon as that Tab I ordered on the computer arrives. In the meantime, here are 2 secrets kept from the Western World:

-Fluoride is deadly to Japanese people. They depend on the microorganisms that thrive on weak enameled teeth. That is why a Japanese child will die if he is exposed to floridated water for too long. Only if the child is old enough to have a couple of baby teeth in a jar to farm these creatures can they hope to survive. The secondary toxicity of fluoride has been tested at X-Sama Laboratories, but since we're not peer-reviewed, test the theory for yourself; Sharpen a toothbrush for maximum scientific precision and forcibly jab your test subject in the mouth. Oh, and make sure you use floridated toothpaste. We're testing the fluoride. Remind yourself and your lawyer that this is for science.

-Advanced small talk gene rare in Japan. Believing interesting but off topic chit chat to be dangerous to internal security, the Bakufu successfully bred humans and parrots to populate the country with intelligent able workers, who would be unable to gain independent social power through small talk. Although the program never achieved its goal of eliminating small talk it has made it possible for the parrot to engage in all forums of Japanese society. "Atsui ne. Atsui ne. Atsui ne."