Operation naming mishaps clarified

Amid name comparisons between the current anti-partisan slaughter in Iraq and a half-century old Nazi operation, Pentagon officials have released a statement explaining the coincidence.
"The name, Iron Hammer, was chosen because of the "Old Ironsides" nickname of the 1st Armored Division. We wanted to inspire the men and women of that division most of all, to move past their defensive identity. Creating a new purpose for those soldiers, that of metaphorically becoming an iron bludgeon with which our nation can shatter the skulls of soft, impure Iraqis. There is a process involved in name choosing, that failed to catch the insensitive Nazi connection, for which we have relieved 52 newly hired senior administrators, and for which we now apologize. Further engagements in Iraq will be referred to as under Operation Iron Cranial Drill, to emphasize our troops' goal of forcibly extracting intelligence information by whatever means necessary."

Foot-in-mouth disease has plagued the branding office of the Pentagon since the beginning of the crusade. 'After it declared war on terrorism, U.S. officials changed the code name for its impending attack on Afghanistan to Operation Enduring Freedom.

The original name, Operation Infinite Justice, was jettisoned amid fears that the Muslim world, already leery of U.S. intentions, would object on the basis of Koranic teachings that only God can provide infinite justice, as opposed to Christians, who understand that "infinite justice" was not meant to be infinite as God's retribution on man, but code for testicular electrocution.

New quantum marketing allows movie to exist in paradoxical dual-state disappointing, record-breaking

Accounting scientists found that opening weekend ticket sales of Matrix Revolucionarios were only 45% of spring's Matrix Reloaded's take, showing how disappointed consumers have become with the production and marketing of blockbuster trilogies. Independently, Dr. Grove measured the release to have been the largest worldwide opening in movie history.
Marketing executives have been quietly celebrating the technological breakthrough. The discovery has been reported as accidental, and experts are cautious to apply the technique to other types of products. However, the dramatic effect of quantum marketing is sure to signal a boom for the industry. While many campaigns in the past have effectively sold shit, this is the first time sales figures have provably observed a product in simultaneous states of shittiness and profitability.

Daddy, why won't you give me a media empire?

Sources close to the White House cited family troubles at an Alabama businessmen's kabbal as the reason for the president's delay. Having been briefed earlier in the day on James Murdoch's appointment as chief executive of BSkyB, the president rang his father on the phone to demand answers and beg for a media empire of his own.
George Bush Senior reportedly retorted that his son was a quitter who never finished anything in his life, and that he had already given his son more than he could chew. "The president then called for privacy when his father began chanting, 'daddy's boy', over and over," said chief aide Buckwheat.
The president later reappeared to announce that "sticks, stones, and heat-seeking missiles may break Iraq's new policemen's bones, but America will never stop throwing money at them."
Like Osama Bin Laden before him, James Murdoch has been warned by friends to beware of the president's envy, and to avoid bunkers and caves for the time being.

Scientists say green tea, ginger prevent cancer, cause smoking.

The debate on the possible health benefits of being Japanese drew closer to a conclusion today, as scientists revealed preliminary results showing gingerol to be an effective tumor retardant. Adding to the wealth of data on the effects of green tea, the new study may end discussion on which is healthier:

tea, ginger root, tofu, and vegetables
or
corn bread, corn-syrup, and corn-fed beef.

Researchers also noted a remarked statistical correlation between green tea and ginger consumption and tobacco smoking. "Cautious Americans trying to reduce their cancer risk will wait until this link has been more thoroughly examined before farcically adopting the Japanese lifestyle," said Iman Hakim, a researcher at the University of Arizona Cancer Center. "Until we know which has the stronger effect, people should continue smoking through a hole in a sheet to avoid serious consequences."

Japan Pledges Additional Aid for Iraq

One of America's largest financial partners in the rebuilding of Iraq, Japan, has for a second time announced plans to supplement its aid package over the next 3 years. On top of a $1.5bn grant and $3.5bn in loans, it has proposed up to $4bn in export credits. This constitutes a promise to pay Japanese companies for exports to the SMAPless nation. However, there are some strings attached to the generous offer.
To address efficiency concerns, valid goods and services must be unattainable from other sources within 48bn nautical miles of Iraq. The list of goods approved by PM, Junichiro Koizumi, includes robotic spokesman/overlord, ASIMO (alias Paul Bremer); powdered versions of common medications (for bigger placebo effect); the low-selling compact MAZDA LaPuta; and prefabricated love hotels that will be rebranded and run as harems for the new urbanized Iraqi war survivor.
One 8th of the credit package will be set aside for dual citizens of America and Iraq under a provision for tourism spending in Japan. Qualifying passport holders will be given master keys and permission to loot vending machines nation-wide for a period of no more than 3 months.

Clinton Brokers Landmark AIDS Deal. AIDS for Everyone! Hooray!

Former president Clinton facilitated an international AIDS drug deal recently.  The WJ Clinton Presidential Foundation allows unnamed partnered drug companies in India and South Africa to "cut costs" enough to provide treatment for 40 cents a day (as opposed to $1.50). A spokesman for the Foundation explains:

"As we battled for a better way to get AIDS drugs to poorer patients, we could not overcome the problem of pricing. We did our research and concluded that there was a tremendous market for these drugs in poor countries. If we could only lower the cost of individual treatment to somewhere around 40-50% per capita GNP, we'd really be somewhere. We knew that we could vastly expand the market, and increase total profit if we could find a way to effectively price discriminate.
Unfortunately, price breaks for the poor are not as popular as for the elderly or normal sized children. Moreover, as that one episode of the Cosby Show illustrates, what is to keep a wealthy NYC doctor from posing as a destitute patient from Nigeria.
That's when someone got the idea from the ice cream market in Cuba. Wealthy US dollar spenders can purchase ice cream at a kiosk, while poorer peso holders purchase theirs at a nearby stand, at much lower prices. Thus price discrimination on the basis of currency, or better yet, nationality was discovered to be the best way to separate income groups."

Skeptics note that prices are still at cartel levels and that Clinton's showmanship and jazzy riffs are meant to distract the people from the fact that only four drug makers have been licensed, giving them an effective oligopoly. Others, including rock star Bono, objected, saying that if there is a showy distraction in the battle to make money off of AIDS, it is he.
Critics of the current administration cite the Clinton deal as evidence of Bush's outdated approach. "The problem with the monopolies that we give to drug companies is that the imposed high prices severely restricts the market. Profit margins are higher, but we are ripping off fewer people, and most of them are Americans. It takes a crafty Democrat to think of creating two protected markets for only one product," remarked Senator Lieberman.
"In the past two decades, we have seen easy financing and incessant marketing lead to amazing car ownership levels in the US, at more than one automobile per driver," Historian James Cocktoasten remarked on the spread of societal signifiers. "I doubt that people in the third world will look on AIDS lightly while treatment may cost almost half of one's earnings. Couple the lower price with pre-approved credit cards, and we'll see families rushing off to get their teenage sons and daughters AIDS, just to show the neighbors that they can afford to. This will be known as the day Bill Clinton gave the world AIDS."

You're going down down down, please don't take me with

Bulletin: US hegemony at an end. China to regulate new Time-Out sactions for American misbehavior.

There was big news this month at a meeting of POP (Parents O' the Powerful). Although closed, some secrets traded during the night's games and low-intensity activities found their way to the press through a naive young relative of South Korean president Roh Moo Hyun, Min Han. The child escorted his great aunt to the function.
Although George Bush and Martha Stewart were present at the function, the most startling news was not mentioned in the presence. However, when the still amorous couple departed to enjoy the many available pleasure palaces of Dubai, the aged POPsters were eager to discuss the news. Politicians and business leaders of the world have abandoned their loyalties to the once glorious empire of united states. Unexpectedly, the end of the hegemony did not happen as a result of an ideological or military confrontation. Instead, we have seen the world's investment capital and allegiance flee to regional strongholds, thus pitifully reducing the country's influence. It seems that there is, however, global coordination for the transition, with event calendars being distributed by wheelchair-bound mother Sofi Annan.
Chirac's mother, Etoilette said, "We must be strong and act together. Jacques says that if we do nothing, the Americans will bring us down with their debt, and if they suspect our plans, they may throw a tantrum before we can take away all his ICBMs." She continued to reminisce on how petit Jacques was the same way when he was young, always hoarding toys and collectibles, and going red with anger at the thought of other children having better ones. "One boy in kindergarden knew zis, and used it to taunt my petit. We had to take all his pins away, but after that time, my beau Jacques never let another boy control his anger."
Putin's father, Shoey Putin insisted that his story was better, and more relevant, seeing as how Vladamir was obsessed with impalings, vampirism, and his collection of Kalashnikovs. "You don't just take those away from a problem child without thinking it through first."

China's president, Hu Jintao voiced some concern over the leaking of his elders' gossip. He noted the possible grave consequences if America felt slighted while still operating an arsenal that dwarfs that of most responsible adults. "We have not seen much evidence that the Oval Office has much interaction with those who read, or that they are close to acquiring text-recognition technology, so the consensus has been to move forward with the plan." Observers are already hailing Mr. Hu's handling of Mr. Bush at a summit in Bangkok. "Oh that? He was nagging me again to revalue my currency because he broke his economy. I just reminded him that if it stayed weak, he could get eat all his meals at the Shanghai McDonald's on just half of his allowance. I was going to point out that my weak currency was keeping his native Happymeal toys cheap, but I figured he would appreciate more immediate rewards."

WARNING: Do not convey the contents of this report to any person(s) of the illiterati, lest they grow groanous, not unlike Frankenstein's monster, and proceed to push numerous launch buttons. This includes young children. If any member of the illiterati shows signs of developping reading skills, gouge their eyes out. You know who this includes.

Return Of The King!

It was revealed by sources in Conda-skeeza Rice's lingerie drawer that GW Bush's appreciation for the Tolkien classic goes far deeper than many analysts had thought. In early high school, a bullied and awkward Texan read the Return of the King, and decided that he would grow up to follow his favorite character, Aragorn, son of Arathorn around the world as a personal tailor. However, Bush's life took an equally drastic turn, once he realized that the book was published in the early 1900s and Aragorn was undoubtedly dead. The young president then decided that he would become the modern equivalent of the King of Gondor. Ever since that day, he has been unwavering in pursuit of this goal.

Let's compare.
Aragorn spent his youth as ranger, a skulking woodsman who stole chickens to survive. Bush spent his youth slinking by in the corporate world, relying on his father's name to survive.

Aragorn relied on Gangalf's legitimacy to reinsert himself in politics. After the wizard's rebirth, he also gained the legitimacy of religion. Bush relied heavily on his father, and old man Cheney for credibility. To gain widespread religious brand name recognition, he became a born-again Christian.

Aragorn crowns himself king after a series of defensive wars within a great war. He accomplishes this easily, considering the power vacuum caused by his coincidental involvement that led to the suicide of the steward of Gondor, as well as the prior demise of his oldest son, Boromir. Bush crowned himself president after a shouting match with Gore, which ended with the Dems and the Supreme Court backing down to the side we all know the military will follow. He hopes that after a series of wars against terrorism (oddly little defense involved) the people will crown him president. And if not, the heads of Saddam's sons are warning enough.

Ms. Rice was heard mentioning how excited the president was for the release of the new film version of his favorite novella. She also reportedly told a friend to obfuscate a bill being introduced by Senator Orrin Hatch that would make Texas a special territory, conferring on the presidency the title of King. The senator did not want George to learn of the bill through the media before he could surprise him with it on the day of the premiere.

Call a plumber, the White House is flooding!

It's times like this that make me wonder if Stephen Hawking has finally perfected his device that turns human minds into sub-processors for his AIBO. I am speaking of the accusations of improprieties at the White House. Which ones, you ask? Let me bring you up to speed.
"Asshat" Novak and others receive information regarding one of Bush's political enemies. The articles that are printed refer to the enemies' wife, Ms. Plame, as a CIA operative, which would be priviledged information protected by federal law. The journalists later insist that they believed she held a role as an analyst and did not mean to say that she was a secret agent. Of course, everyone wants to know who leaked the information.
Meanwhile, back at the Bush Cave, the administration refuses calls for an independent investigation, directing their critics to the Justice Department. They of course insist that an investigation has been opened regarding the leak, since it is a federal offense. It is a federal offense to out a secret CIA operative. It is not an offense to talk about a CIA analyst or to have your words poorly phrased by a journalist. For just a second, you can almost see the fake expressions of the Washintonians falter.
Let me recap. First we had a bunch of journalists receive anonymous information about a woman's job at the CIA, which they claim to have misprinted, implying that she was a covert operative. The subsequent media storm forces the small time journalists to make this admission fairly quickly. No evidence whatsoever if she's a spy or not. Nevertheless, people are pressing the White House because they have the motive for outing her and you can smell a cabinet aide's ass being marinated for the grill. Finally, the left nut of the administration confirms that an investigation is needed because Ms. Plame is in fact a CIA operative. The Justice Dept. has given the first evidence that Madame Plame=US Spy, and it has been the first voice that has not immediately retracted its claim of that. The current administration has publicly broken one of our nations greatest laws of loyalty national security. Here's a word that should poke a hole in the administration's patchy PR, traitors.

Putin dumps Kyoto protocol. Koizumi glad he didn't have to.

President Putin refused on Monday to commit Russia to the Kyoto agreement, throwing its future into doubt. According to two guys who asked a bureaucrat, "to bring the agreement into force, the countries causing 55% of the world's greenhouse gas emissions have to sign up." Without Russia, the remaining participants won't be enough. The US and Australia have already dropped out, stating that they will enforce reductions only if they can meet the 55% requirement alone. Putin's fear of commitment effectively shattered the engagement, although Vlad hinted that things might be patched up if he were allowed to sign anti-environmental treaties. "At least I must be allowed look at them with other heads of state without [the EU] nagging me all the time about it," said the president after his initial speech in Moscow. Washington has repeatedly pressured the Russian to ditch the agreement so that he and Bush can go out carousing.
While some expect negotiations to continue, efforts to reunite the group are expected to fail. PM Koizumi expressed his doubts when he said, "Frankly, I was relieved to hear that Putin was breaking with us. I wanted out after Mr. Bush left, but the EU wanted so much to believe that it could work out. They named it after Kyoto to show how much they cared about us, meanwhile we were just going through the motions waiting for a time to break the news gently. When Europe called up weeping about Russia and how we should just call the whole thing off, I was afraid my voice sounded too happy. In the end, no one picked up on it, and things worked out perfectly."
Foreign ministry officials are looking forward to a barrage of new treaties with countries calling everyday to console Japan and comment on Russia's drinking, abuse, and frigid nature. "We can get with any international agreement we want to now. Maybe something like a land-mine treaty. Hell, we could get with NAFTA if we wanted to."

Basic Training Begins!

A possible change to the Japanese constitution could allow the island nation to deploy troops for combat overseas. The current draft, imposed by the US occupation, condemns violent conflict as a tool of foreign policy. The change is being pushed by the US in hopes that the currently pacifistic Japan will share the burden of global peace-keeping.
Although the change has not yet been ratified, several firms with government contracts began training new recruits for the new situations they may see in the future. These may include peacekeeping, Defensive Urgent Pre-Emptive Strikes, and the protection of the countries manifest destiny to expand ever Westward.
Tokyo was embarrassed to see news of one training-op surface, where 380 plainclothed 'tourists' were apprehended gathering sensitive prostitution information. Several organizers were detained and questioned in Zhuhai, China.
"Logistics are going to be a major concern when operating in another country, and our boys have always relied on a sex trade system. After being out of the game for so long, military planners must be able to work with realworld data," said an active officer speaking anonymously.

In other news, prophylactic size restrictions have been lifted for Japanese servicemen. Soldiers may now purchase Magnum brand condoms through special vendors. However, a long-term, exclusive license has been granted for the once retired state-run brand, "Attack Soldier". Civilians will be able to choose between Chilly Willy and Pokemon brands.

Dyslexic plot confirmed

As some may recall, Mr. X took journalism away from the wire service and out onto the streets recently to confront a foot soldier of the anti-spelling campaign. Tim Radford of the Guardian felt the need to one up me on this, trading in his independent view for an authoritative voice for his article. It reads just like any carefully crafted, political statement from the Dyslexia Institute. Martin Turner casually deflects allegations that the Institute is behind the rise in bad spelling, saying that he advocates good spelling for all.
By comparing readers of incorrecty spelled words to dyslexic readers, Turner hinted at the secretive organisations true motives. Once enough of the electorate has felt dyslexics' pain through countless internet chatroom screens, they will be able to push for all sorts of discriminationory legislation. Well, if I didn't let those mooching war widows get their reduced bus fare, I'm not sure as hell not going to let these cry-babies have it. And you can forget a national Don't Read 'Cause It Hurts People Who Can't day.

What's number one in the charts?

Pop afficionado twins, and media spuds, Sid and Marty Sidmartinson have for the first time compiled a seperate listing for foreign language songs in this months charts. The Asahi Shinbun listing, which was not printed in its English version, included several tracks from Dr. Phonics' new album, "ABC Penmanship & Phonics". The sleeper hit, "The consonant digraph song" is expected to climb even higher next month from its current spot at #18. Dr. Phonics had this to say,
"C to H ga kutsuite,
Bakana uta ja naikane?
C to H ga ch ch ch,
C-H-I-M-E chime chime.

P to H ga kutsuite,
Kuraku wo mainichi toru.
P to H ga ph ph ph,
E-L-E-P-H-A-N-T elephant!

W to H, T to H, P to H
W-H-T-H-P-H blah, Wh-the ph-ck?!

Israeli pilots refuse to fly

A group of 27 pilots in the Israeli airforce have declared their opposition to the bombing campaign that has killed dozens of civilians. A spokesman for the Israeli army would not divulge actual numbers but said that the 27 pilots were "a drop in the ocean" for the airforce.
Expert Raad Missmar speculates that while the military may have large numbers of pilots, the impact of the declaration may be large enough to put a stop to bombing operations. "It all depends on who these 27 men really are. Although they are described as a small group of retired and reserve pilots, it is precisely this kind of pilot that forms the base of the pillar that holds a protective roof over our heads... and the pillar is called piloting." Missmar points out that there are only 8 flight teams in America's Top Gun school, and that it remains possible that some of these 27 men are Israel's best of the best... or at least the wizened flight instructors responsible for babysitting them. If this is true, it may give pause to those who remember Top Gun, and how crucial every man was in protecting the United States against its imaginary fighter-pilot enemies.
One detractor, Brigadier General Ido Nehushtn, claims that who the men are is irrelevant, as, "we hardly need the best talent to bomb civilians. I mean, we bombed the hell out this master terrorist in a donkey cart a few months ago. I was going to call in the best, but who needs some prima donna flyboy in your face? There will always be a ton of people in the army who hate Islamic terrorists, and I'm sure everyone in the Middle East hates donkeys... Hell, people will be paying me for the chance to pull the trigger."
The Palestinian Authority warned that some militant groups, sensing weakness in Israel's air defenses may plan to engage bombers in tactical dogfights. President Bush commented that he was against terrorism in all its forms, and would regretfully support a pre-emptive strike if necessary to keep rogue groups from acquiring "any armament more sophistimicated than a rock."
In other news, 12 more killed by coalition forces in Iraq. A wedding party was sighted and fired upon as they gathered and threw rocks into the air. The traditional celebration was mistaken for the 'bad kind of agitation', such as political activism, which troops are under intense pressure to stamp out. The occupational administration is holding a private auction for the contract to remove all dangerous handheld rocks and stones from the ghetto areas of Baghdad.

Shinto Science

Seeking to gain on economies of scale, Boston's Christian Science Monitor has opened a second office in Osaka. Whlie executives are still in the midst of choosing a name for the venture, the format and concept for the newspaper have been set.
Dr. Amita said recently in a public statement, "our view is that Japan is in need a fair and balanced voice in the media that isn't run by those hippies in Tokyo. Osaka is much better suited to our image as objective and spiritually minded." Dr. J "Bones" Christ is reported to have approved of the office selection, although he has not been openly overseeing the expansion. Preliminary plans to hype the paper center around the region's reputation for traditional religious values, ultra-nationalism, widespread alcohol dependance, and the 110 hour work week.
According to 180 year-old founder, Mary Eddy, CS Monitor exists as an independent alternative to the views of the New York World, which is evil and representative of the liberal bias in the media. Apparently, poor, hardworking old ladies favor conserative views, and it's the incredibly wealthy, unseen Jewish conspirateurs who have an interest in the spread of liberal ideals.
Critics of the expansion say that it has too few local management connections. "Christian scientists have overlooked key social dynamics. Neotraditionalists and Tokyophiles may be at odds, but this rarely affects people's perceptions of the media. Only input from local teams will be able to come up with a promising pitch for yet another right-wing outlet," said one Islamic scientist, speaking under condition of anonymity.

They're controlling our minds with flu shots, and now the Iraqis too.

The United States, er, wait, the Iraqi Council of Repratriated Iraqi Americans has declared the country's markets open. Firms over the world, including Japan's Docomo Ltd. and transnational Vodafone have been invited to bid on virtually all of Iraq's newly freed people. Foreign firms will now be able to wholly own Iraqi citizens and repatriate the profits. The move has left many other journalists wondering how such a move to sell the nation can be pulled off without involving whips, chains, and GIs clad in leather codpieces. They also wonder why normally beloved mobile telecom firms would be willing to risk their reputations on what seems a risky endeavor. Meanwhile, our good buddy and inventor of the bottomless peanut bag, Number 6, has come forward to shed light on the technology that will make it all possible.
Flu shots, generally administered before Xmas, have been given out by aid workers throughout the country. As in the US, this will drive the people into a frenzy of shopping. Unfortunately for the Bush Administration, distributing the mind-control serum and selling licenses and firms in Iraq are only the first stages. For the plan to work, financial backing from UN members and small investors must provide the initial disposable income to begin the bubble of a modern consumer culture. Only when this is acheived will the need for costly brain-juice and international aid workers be eliminated. Mr. X encourages you to keep your money out of Iraq and let the Iraqis exchange things the old fashioned way American way, through violent conflict.

Madame Pink Predicts the End of Spelling!

This investigator was quick to notice a crazed harlot skulking around a school district. When approached, the woman denied her insanity and instead purported to be THE pink girl. Remembering that many seemingly crazy people are actually clairvoyants who are overloaded with otherworldly stimuli, I brought her back to my van to record her story.
She was intent on passing on a message, one that has been received by others like her all around the boxcars and weigh-stations of the world. What follows may result in your brain finally proving how much smarter than you it is:

Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, olny taht the frist and lsat ltteres are at the rghit pcleas. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by ilstef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Yes... It seemed obvious that the dyslexic folk were making a push for the support. Wlel you can glbobe my kolbnbe you sdehihtas. In exchange for not reporting her, the pink girl read my palm. I am still shaken up. I thought that my new brain from Power Marketing had really given me the edge and explosiveness to put my best foot forward. However, those illusions fled quickly when she pulled my card, "the Oaf", the name by which I was oft derided and/or inserted into parable before my second return to the island.

All the muck that's fit to rake

Top economists reported yesterday on the policy that may be to thank for Japan's impending recovery. "Only by convincing the market that the government will promote stability can investors be lured back. They seem to be achieving this through a combination of reform advertisement and a solid track record of a ten-year slump with no actual change in policy," says J. Stigurtsu. A representative of the Fed responded to the news of a slow recovery, saying, "the American financial system has always maintained strength through hypocrisy and inaction. With the EU and now the Japanese taking on this identical strategy, I may be looking for a job writing software in India soon."

Compatibility Woes

I awoke on the train, several stops past my destination, confused as to why my internal alarm failed to go off. As it turns out, JR, in a monopolistic ploy to increase demand, has "upgraded" the Personal Train Happy Waking Service. As a result, my surgically implanted alarm clock can no longer connect to the train's GPS device. As has been the response to similar strategies from Microsoft, many are importing knock-off hardware. In a related bulletin, downloads of Dr. Hfuhruhurr's Do-It Yourself Brain Surgery FAQ have spiked this month. While the nationalist media ignores the issue, Mr. X will continue to investigate into whether it has received too much attention already.

Mr. X is Free!

I have been missing for over almost 3 years, trapped on the psychedelic 70's prison informally known as 'the Island'. Well yours truly, Mr. X, is free again. I have been for over a year, and comfortably living in Japan. However, secretive quasi-governmental enemies in pursuit aren't going to stop me from exposing more secrets and getting another Pulitzer. Now that I've become accustomed to the ways of this island I finally have some scoops.
Full stories to follow as soon as I can round up enough animated gifs and midis for proper presentation. X-Sama will begin delivery of detailed truth as soon as that Tab I ordered on the computer arrives. In the meantime, here are 2 secrets kept from the Western World:

-Fluoride is deadly to Japanese people. They depend on the microorganisms that thrive on weak enameled teeth. That is why a Japanese child will die if he is exposed to floridated water for too long. Only if the child is old enough to have a couple of baby teeth in a jar to farm these creatures can they hope to survive. The secondary toxicity of fluoride has been tested at X-Sama Laboratories, but since we're not peer-reviewed, test the theory for yourself; Sharpen a toothbrush for maximum scientific precision and forcibly jab your test subject in the mouth. Oh, and make sure you use floridated toothpaste. We're testing the fluoride. Remind yourself and your lawyer that this is for science.

-Advanced small talk gene rare in Japan. Believing interesting but off topic chit chat to be dangerous to internal security, the Bakufu successfully bred humans and parrots to populate the country with intelligent able workers, who would be unable to gain independent social power through small talk. Although the program never achieved its goal of eliminating small talk it has made it possible for the parrot to engage in all forums of Japanese society. "Atsui ne. Atsui ne. Atsui ne."